Control

Yesterday i freaked out.

I lost control. And as i look at my timetable, i really really freaked out. Like essays and everything. Not to mention that i felt that i had lost control over my life.

Then this morning, God told me something. You did not lose control. How do you lose something you never had. We do not have control. everything we tried to do was an illusion of control. To try and restore control into our lives, to try and put ourselves in the seat where we are in charge. Why? Because we fear. We fear the unknown. we fear uncertainity. We fear life itself, because the devil, the lord of this earth is one who wants us to cower in fear, who wants us in the darkness, hiding in fear, trembling in his 'power'.

We want to be in control, to deny that we are fearful. To deny that we do not know what to do. We want to be in charge because we want to choose the way we rise or fall. We want to choose even the way we are to fall, fall from grace. We believe the lies of the devil that we is in control, when in fact, he is the one in control. As long as god is not our controller, then the devil is our commander. Cos we were meant not to be apart from God.

Matt 11:28 says come to me all ye who are weary and heavy laden and i will give you rest. Heavy laden with what? With the desire to be in control. To be the lord of our lives, when we were not meant to be controller of our lives.

That is really what god wants us to know. Than he came to free us. In every sense of the word. To free us from our responsibilities as our lives controller. God desires that we trust him and put our hope and faith in him, that we may live and not perish. That we may trust him that he knows the best. That when we put our best foot forward, and we make the most of our chances, God is in control of the ending. Of the conclusion.

God, be myu controller.

The beginning of the end

I am now in school, still, after a day of attempting to study, I sit in the lonely AS1 corridor doing my work (and obviously blogging).

THis semester is different. i am overloading in modules, and i am tired, but i am not driven to score. Like there is no drive to excel. Sure i want to do well, but somehow i am also asking myself is there anything more?

Lord is taking me on a path, a path of spiritual refreshing, but mental anguish. It is as if God wants my spirit man to take over, to be the replenishing agent and the pushing force of my life. My mental health, my world is not the best shape now. I still feel a bit alone out here. And maybe that was one reason why it did not work out. I made her the centre of my world. And it crashed.

I realise that i really have very few good friends. Friends i have, good friends none. Not for the lack of trying, but i guess there is just something about me. I don't know. I see people having fun in a group, and i want to join them, but i am afraid. I never like to join something that i was not involved at the beginning. It just isn't me. So i guess i am just kinda left out.

Anyway, i learnt something about god. During QT, he told me to read Gen 2. And in my foolishness i was wondering why. I read these words: Then the LORD God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone; I will make him a helper suitable for him."

And i thought it meant a life partner. But it means so much more. God sends his helper, well jesus does, when he dies. The spirit of truth that resides in us, chiding us, reminding us. Praying for us. The holy spirit. He is the helper. But as i read, i felt God say, no. The Holy spirit is an eternal help, but i will too provide someone to help you. IT may mean a partner, or it may mean a special friend. It may mean a group of friends. The place where you can be honest with. The place where there are no dark areas, for the scars are all visible for all to see.

Cry out my child
See if i am here
Shout out for help
See if i answer.

For in the darkness you can run to
In the shadows you can hide
In the waters you can cover
ut i will find you.

I wait for you
I long for a relationship with you
I want to know you
My child. Hear me.

Even as i type that, this song comes to mind

"In the secret, in the quiet place
In the stillness You are there
In the secret, In the quiet hour I wait, only for You
'Cause I want to know You more

I want to know You
I want to hear Your voice
I want to know You more
I want to touch You
I want to see Your face
I want to know You more

I am reaching for the highest goal
That I might receive the prize
Pressing onward, Pushing every hindrance aside, out of my way
'Cause I want to know You more

I want to know You
I want to hear Your voice
I want to know You more
I want to touch You
I want to see Your face
I want to know You more"

And god is sayin this
"I want to know you. I want to hear your voice. I want to know you more. My child, i want to touch you, i want to see your face. I WANT TO KNOW YOU MORE!"

God take me away. Take me away.