In class now

I am now in class. This is very scary. Everyone else knows everyone else, or at least is in a cliche. It appears that somehow i never did really mix around in economics circles.

Actually that is not true. I have several friends in economics major in this school. It just happens that the whole lot of them are not doing honours and that means yes that means that i am all alone here in the EC4302 class, Macroeconomic 3. Can die ah!!!!

On a very positive note, this week has been a special week. I have felt God's affirmation and yeah, it really encourages. To know that hey, what you are doing puts a smile on God's face.

God is really in this place. He calls and he sends. He delivers and he saves. He brings, he guides, he is real.

Ok class starts. Will update later. Cheers. Thanks.

What is reality but pain.

This few days have been a test. I been going up and down, and everything just caved in on tuesday. Everything. I totally broke down. I became honest with myself. That which i hold together, that which i hold dear to my heart, that has broken down.

The vase which holds the oceans of confusion within me has broken. Events both past, present and thoughts that spiral out of nowhere conspire to wreck my life. I feel very left out, very isolated. Alone. Hermit. Deafened. Blinded. Destroyed. I die literally in the spiritual, emotional, mental sense. I am a total disaster. I ask, how can i go on? How can i minister in this time when it is ministering that i need.

I feel that i am unloved. I know this is a lie. But i also know, what i feel i do not lie. I know what i feel. And this is no lie. this is no life. This is no hope. My friends, i want a friend. Someone who knows william. Who can just listen, and not tell me that the things i feel are lies. Who can simply hold me in their arms and tell me, i love you. As a friend. Who will jsut do crazy stuff with me, like just hang out till the sun comes up, without fear of anything, without need for speech.

I always want to do crazy stuff, yet it never happens. I want to call a friend, hey bro, lets go to melaka now. JB now. Let just go see the sun rise. Lets just run away and hide. Let just drive to tuas and see the stars. I want to plan trips with friends, they fall through. I know that Group outings are not my thing, i cannot organise nor feel fully at home there. I am left out. An addition. A footnote. And i fucking hate that. I fucking hate it. Do you hear me? I fucking hate it. I want to be accepted

My God would you come

God, won't you look down on your servant.
Deserving of you he does not.
Worthy of your touch he does not.
Valued not by who he is nor by what he does, valued solely by you.
Priced by the world at a death.
Yet to you, valued at a life. Valued at a life.
Worthless to the devil.
Without price to you.

Yet god, in this time of need, i still want to praise you.
My heart yearns to sing praises to you.
Then sings my soul,
My saviour God to thee.
How great thou art.

I seeketh not thy holy blessing
But on this time
I need to know you are God.
God, would you come through for me.
Would you be the God who blesses.

All my life, i have understood that you are a God that wants the best for us.
Would you just give me what i want, a sign to know that you are God.
That you come through for your people.
That you change situations for your people

Everytime i fall, i ask you to change me.
Now i ask, will you change the ground,
For me. Just change the ground, that i may know that you are God.
That i may know you are lord god almighty.

Updates

This post is a rant.

there is something inside of me. I believe it is part mental, part spiritual. I find loneliness wherever I look. I find that loneliness is a friend to me. Yet I know that is a lie. That the devil wants me alone. To take me down. To take me out.

Does that make me holier than thou? No. Each christian has his or her own dark area, his her own gift which become his or her own strength, and weakness. For some, it will be the understanding of the bible. For others, it will be the gift of playing music instrument, the gift of blogging even. For me, it is relationships.

Do not get me wrong, it is not BGR that I seek. I know that I want a relationship, but I also know, now is not the time. Now is really a lonely heart that wants a girlfriend. And that immediately makes me unsuitable for a girl. I do not blame anyone, just know that this a phase that I go through. We all do.

Relationships in a friend way. The people whom I come into contact with, whether close friends like Rachel, Ivan, Queenie, Evan, Ben, or distant friends like Winnie, Benjamin from NZ and MArtin from NZ. Or even just acquaintances. Most of all, my relationship with God. TO me, there is nothing more dear than relationship. Even, dare i say this, the word of God.

Yes, the word is important and all that. But i mean, i believe that God wants us to know him from the word, not just know about him. The word is like the foundation of a building. The relationship is the building. The word is the basis of everything we believe, we do, we live. But it is not the end goal. The end goal, the building, is the relationship we have with God.

There is a big divide between me and VCF. I dunno if it is really me, that i am really so wrong. That i am really in danger of leading people away. Would someone please show me where have i gone wrong. Where have i gone astray. Where have i fallen from the truth. Show me please. Where have i gone wrong?

But hey, that is only the superficial issue. The biggest issue, the biggest problem. the biggest hurt, is the distance i feel. And i know it is not there. No way. No distance. The hurt is from within. And i do not understand why.

Help me. How can i minister if i am broken. How can i minister if i do not know if what i do is right. How can i love god, if i do not know if it is god i hear. How can i pray for my friends, if i do not know if where i go is where god wants. Help me