What is reality but pain.

This few days have been a test. I been going up and down, and everything just caved in on tuesday. Everything. I totally broke down. I became honest with myself. That which i hold together, that which i hold dear to my heart, that has broken down.

The vase which holds the oceans of confusion within me has broken. Events both past, present and thoughts that spiral out of nowhere conspire to wreck my life. I feel very left out, very isolated. Alone. Hermit. Deafened. Blinded. Destroyed. I die literally in the spiritual, emotional, mental sense. I am a total disaster. I ask, how can i go on? How can i minister in this time when it is ministering that i need.

I feel that i am unloved. I know this is a lie. But i also know, what i feel i do not lie. I know what i feel. And this is no lie. this is no life. This is no hope. My friends, i want a friend. Someone who knows william. Who can just listen, and not tell me that the things i feel are lies. Who can simply hold me in their arms and tell me, i love you. As a friend. Who will jsut do crazy stuff with me, like just hang out till the sun comes up, without fear of anything, without need for speech.

I always want to do crazy stuff, yet it never happens. I want to call a friend, hey bro, lets go to melaka now. JB now. Let just go see the sun rise. Lets just run away and hide. Let just drive to tuas and see the stars. I want to plan trips with friends, they fall through. I know that Group outings are not my thing, i cannot organise nor feel fully at home there. I am left out. An addition. A footnote. And i fucking hate that. I fucking hate it. Do you hear me? I fucking hate it. I want to be accepted

My God would you come

God, won't you look down on your servant.
Deserving of you he does not.
Worthy of your touch he does not.
Valued not by who he is nor by what he does, valued solely by you.
Priced by the world at a death.
Yet to you, valued at a life. Valued at a life.
Worthless to the devil.
Without price to you.

Yet god, in this time of need, i still want to praise you.
My heart yearns to sing praises to you.
Then sings my soul,
My saviour God to thee.
How great thou art.

I seeketh not thy holy blessing
But on this time
I need to know you are God.
God, would you come through for me.
Would you be the God who blesses.

All my life, i have understood that you are a God that wants the best for us.
Would you just give me what i want, a sign to know that you are God.
That you come through for your people.
That you change situations for your people

Everytime i fall, i ask you to change me.
Now i ask, will you change the ground,
For me. Just change the ground, that i may know that you are God.
That i may know you are lord god almighty.