Europe

I wanted to blog. But am a bit tired. So lalalal. WIll do that soon

William

Loving God

Ok give me a while, let me pack up my room and then i will blog about Europe

But first, something that God told me about life.

The discipline of loving God involves the greatest sacrifice. Everything.

Yup that i something that i struggle, will struggle with forever. To sacrifice everything.

But here is my confession, as honest as day. I do not love God. I may claim i Love God, i may even say i love God, profess to love God, act as if i love God, but honestly, i do not love God the way i should. If i truly am honest, i do not love God the way 'Christians do'

I am forced to come to a place where i have to admit, i do not love God. In my heart, in my secret place, i am compelled to come to a point where i admit that if push comes to shove, whilst God may be God, i still chose otherwise and attempt to make a name for myself.

Sometimes i struggle when i go to church, and raise my hands when it is the last thing i feel. I may not feel like worshipping God, sometimes i wonder why i even bother to come. In fact so many times, i feel 'unchristian, like as 'unchristian' as can be. I see some of my friends who always so on fire for God, always so tender to God, so soft, so ready to repent. So fired up.

That is not me. I will never be like this, not because i think it is wrong, but i was not made like that. I was made to doubt, to walk every step wondering, pondering, fighting, struggling, knowing that i want to follow. To those who think Christians should always be on fire for God, sorry, i am not that. I am one who will honestly say that much of my 'christian life' i was not running hard, not even able to love God. Not able to say i love God. Not without lying.

If i honestly loved God, so much will be different.

Christianity to me is not a clear cut journey. We are pilgrims on a journey, one where ups and downs are a must, when sometimes we experience great victories, climbing crests of mountains where one can see far, sometimes we find ourselves crossing plateaus of unknown length, deep grass lands of uncertain distance. Sometimes we find ourselves stuck in dark valleys of impossible depths, fallen so far from the surface even darkness itself looks light, when we get so lost we know not what we do. But if we keep pushing on, we will find out something. Christianity to me is when we learn about God, choose to love God, discover ourselves.

This is not a post where i renounce God. Nope, God is God NO matter how i feel. This post is merely a declaration. I do not love God, but God knows, How Much I WANT to love God

Journey Home

I just got home to singapore.

Weather is hot sticky, not like in europe where it is hot and dry.

Right now i am fighting both Jet lag and missing europe. A part of me really misses it, yet a part of me knows it was time to return. I see Europe by and large as a phase in my life rahter then just a period.

A lot of things happened on the trip. I wish i could say that i was the perfect travelling partner, but to be honest, i was not. I was far from it, and realise how much grace i really recieved on the trip. Let me just say that for 3 girls to travel with 1 guy (and now i can hear my travel tubbies going "We got guy going with us mah? thought is 4 girls?") it is not easy. We did not end up wanting to kill each other though.

YEah so anyway when my thoughts are more collected, i will write more

Cheers
william

Journey Home