Tired

There is this sense of weariness in everyone.

On Sunday, I was speaking to a friend, and he mentioned that nearly everyone on msn says “Tired” in response to the question, “How are you”

Have we forgotten to rest. Have we forgotten what rest is. Have we been so caught up with work, we forgot we need to rest?

I think there is more than that. For myself, there has been a chasm between me and God. God is my refuge, strong tower, most of all, my Sabbath. God is my restedness. He is my rest. I am not with Him, which makes me unrested.

But as I probe deeper, in me there is a big issue. A sense of restlessness. A sense of rebellion within. Struggling to break free. There is anger inside.

The other day, I raced someone in the rain. When someone cuts my lane, I issue the most colourful language. When someone is slow in front of me, they get the light, the horn and the glare. I will also cut back into the person’s lane.

But there is an anger within. This angry outcry against something I know not. An angry heart that breeds resentment. This anger I have within that lashes out at anything I can find. This is not me.

I don’t know why I have this anger. It breeds inside like an algae growth in disused wells. Mould on wet bread. Rust on exposed metals. Grime on damp pipes. A house in disrepair, angry yet broken.

I am like that. A house in disrepair, angry and broken. I need to be rebuild. I need God to rebuild me. I need God to repair my heart.

Controlling your temper is different from dealing with your temper. Controlling merely puts a cap on your anger. It is merely you fighting to put anger back into the box. It is simply control.

Dealing with it is different. It is finding the source of the anger, the source of the restlessness. The rage. And dealing with it.

For me, it is unforgiveness. There is someone whom I have difficulty forgiving because of what has happened between us. Ok so, there may be more than one someone. But that unforgiveness is destroying me, because of the anger I feel against that person. Because in me, there is this self-righteous spirit that says, you cannot do this to me. But the truth is, that is just pride. The unwillingness to forgive and say, ok, I am sorry.

Sometimes restlessness for me is because I forget to rest. Sometimes it is because of unforgiveness. Sometimes, it is because I am away from God. Other times, it is because I am disobedient. Restlessness or weariness are but signs for me, that life is not in order.