To catch the lie in the Truth

Recently, God's been tearing away at something in me.

So much has been affecting me lately, my my lack of deep friendship. As in am torn between wondering why and trying to do something, i really felt useless and unworthy. Unwanted even.

But God spoke. He said, "If you were Unworthy, unloved, useless, would i call you? Woudl i call you friend? Would I even want to meet you? Would i even bother to create you?"

I felt all this because of the distance i have from friends, from a seriously lonely perspective, and from a person who's gift and passion is for friendship and relationship, this is a burden i cry out for relief from. I am a person who places relationship with God and with friends as the No. 1 priority. Perhaps equal to knowing the word. Knowing the word afterall, is but the start and not anyhere near the end.

i have a distance from friends. Been a pillar all my life. This stoic person whom people just come to when they need help. But God wants more. And he tears that which He does not like to rebuild.

I used to think of myself as a conduit. As a person who God uses to pour our his love to his people. From that, i because refreshed. After ministry, after any sharing, after talking to people, I am refreshed because of the Love of God which flowed through me.

But God wants me to be a cup. A cup which is refreshed by it's own meeting with God. Own encounters with God. That i may pour out love for people to drink from. It requires a deep well of love and knowing God, but this is God's call.

I know that means being ripped out from comfort zones, being pulled away from people and all that that i may find true rootedness in God. It is a tough war, long and mostly alone. Running with God. Waiting. Praying. Crying. What friends i have, they cheer and encourage me. But i have to make the next step. Make the next run. Make the next move.

I dunno why i blog. No one really reads anyway and the message is a bit messy. I guess i just do it to clarify what i write before i email people.

To be honest, I dun want this lesson. I dun want to learn who God is, i dun want to grow anymore. I feel that it is always not enough, that the level where i am at now, i am like wondering what is the point of growing so much in christ. The depth i am at, the understanding i have gleamed. All that for what purpose? Sometimes i ask God why me? Why me? Why must i be the one who seem to have to be constantly polished, why can't i have a easier life with You? Why is it when i cry out to you the desires of my heart are just not met? It's like when i call, You say a but more. God, i have no more to give. No more to stretch. No more to run. No more. God, no more.

But God, it has never been my strength, but your Grace that pulls me through. Depending on that Grace and meeting with you, is getting harder and harder God. But with faith, i take the next step. And the next. I fight i struggle, but i will follow. God, your strength i need.

I think the cry of my heart is this. Loneliness.