F
I hate it
I hate it when spiritually there is a division in me. On the one hand i feel God, i talk to God
on the other hand, no one seems to care. Not really. Not at all.
I know my friends care. I know they are real, but i am used. and i hate it. No one contacts me unless they want me to do something for them. Pray for them. Ask God for them. No one thinks of asking how am I. and i am sorry, i am not here anymore. no one cares that inside me, is a person who is hurting, who needs healing.
have you ever carried so many people's burden, healed so many hearts, your heart just breaks cos everytime you meet someone, you feel God heart for the person. Yet no one feels yours. even now, i know that even in this shit hole i am in, i am still the best person for this job. The only one who somehow can in the midst of hell, still take the time out to heal someone. And you know what, i am dying. Inside. I am holding up a wall no one can see. For the last half a year , that is how it is with me. Fighting this war in me, fighting to understand. Fighting for my next breath. Fighting a war i cannot win.
I am living a psuedo victorious life. I am victorious in christ, yet there is no one to celebrate with me. I am going from strength to strength all alone, no one runs with me. i wrestle, and no one sees.
is there anyone out there who can see what i see? The pains of people, the hurts of others, the wounds of history. So many times i cry out to God, I cannot love you people anymore, i cannot God. Not with your love. I cannot.
God, why me? Why me? WHY ME?
After all this, i am alone. There is no one else on this journey
I hate it when spiritually there is a division in me. On the one hand i feel God, i talk to God
on the other hand, no one seems to care. Not really. Not at all.
I know my friends care. I know they are real, but i am used. and i hate it. No one contacts me unless they want me to do something for them. Pray for them. Ask God for them. No one thinks of asking how am I. and i am sorry, i am not here anymore. no one cares that inside me, is a person who is hurting, who needs healing.
have you ever carried so many people's burden, healed so many hearts, your heart just breaks cos everytime you meet someone, you feel God heart for the person. Yet no one feels yours. even now, i know that even in this shit hole i am in, i am still the best person for this job. The only one who somehow can in the midst of hell, still take the time out to heal someone. And you know what, i am dying. Inside. I am holding up a wall no one can see. For the last half a year , that is how it is with me. Fighting this war in me, fighting to understand. Fighting for my next breath. Fighting a war i cannot win.
I am living a psuedo victorious life. I am victorious in christ, yet there is no one to celebrate with me. I am going from strength to strength all alone, no one runs with me. i wrestle, and no one sees.
is there anyone out there who can see what i see? The pains of people, the hurts of others, the wounds of history. So many times i cry out to God, I cannot love you people anymore, i cannot God. Not with your love. I cannot.
God, why me? Why me? WHY ME?
After all this, i am alone. There is no one else on this journey
posted by W | Wednesday, January 17, 2007
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