drifting

I write this because there is a part of me that realises i cannot hide anymore.

This morning as i woke i decided to QT (right now is a choice thing). And the first thing that hit me was this simply, that my heart is empty of God. I am no longer sure if i love God, because i have been playing church and christian so long, enough to hide behind everything. I have been playing church. Playing Christian.

Day before i had a question. God laid two choices before me:

The first was that i could choose other than God. That means i take control of life. I fight back. I find my own way.

The second was despite what i cannot understand, despite all that i see, i choose God again. Then today, i find that i need to make the choice to stop playing church either way (because God cannot be mocked) i need to find God or i need to stop finding God altogether. There is no half half.

The truth is, drifting has showed me what my faith was founded upon. Upon playing church. So now i have to decide, what will it be.

I write this partly to share a journey but mostly because i just need to let it all out. I need clarity.