The scariest issue

Can man live without God?

My answer is Yes. That answer scares me.

It scares me because that means i do not need God to live a full life. It scares me because it means i can run wherever i want to do whatever i want to be whoever i want, and live life to the max.

It scares me because that means I am in control. It means that the consequences of my actions are fully borne by me. It means that i need to make decisions and be totally in charge. It means that all responsibility for my life is mine. It means I have to make this life count based on my own efforts. It means i have to play a game of rules i do not know nor fully understand, because the maker of the game is on vacation.

Yet i know I can. Am i losing my faith? I do not think so. Even worse, my faith is evolving to that of one who says that i believe in God but i somehow do not need Him. What makes it painful is i know that is not true.

I want to want God. I want to need God. I want to be in a relationship with God. I want to know Him.