Updated

Hi hi

It has been a month since i updated. Been really lazy. Ha ha.. sue me.

I do not know if i will lapse in this blog. A part of me wonders if anyone even reads this dull and decrepit blog.

I feel torn. I am lost between two worlds. The one world calls me to perform. To play the roles i know i have to play. As a leader, I am called to be courageous even when i do not know where I am taking my men to. When i am in JYC, i realise that i am not sure if i know enough to lead the youth. WHen i am in Young Adults, i again wonder why am i there. Can i share enough to edify the rest? Sometimes, i am called to lead. Can i do that? I have seen so little, know even less then the adults. I sturuggle because i know not what i do.

Yet today, as i QT, I heard, or at least i think i did, God. I feel that God is calling me to take my faith. And say that God is real. YEt sometimes when i hear his voice, the promises do not fold out. And i say that oh, i did not hear God. But then when can i know that i hear god or not. Is there fear that holds me back from knowing god more, because i want to, but i am not knowing God more.

I know little of the bible. What do i know? The areas i think i know, people simply think that i am wrong and gloss over my thoughts. The people whom i come into contact with, the peers i have, they seem to disregard me. They seem to totally ignore me, and treat me as an fool.

Maybe that is who i am. Maybe all i am is to listen to others, and to hear their cries. Again i ask, why do i hear others cries, but no one hears mine. My cries are buried behind what i say, what i present, can you not hear? Do you not see?

This mask i wear, the person you see, is not the person. i do not know where i have gone. The person whom many people knew, he has died. I admit. I am proud. I am arrogant. Boring maybe. I talk too much, i flounder. I try to be heard. I want to be heard. Truth is, i do not think i was made to be heard.

I am proud because inside, my world has crumbled. Look around you. The people who are proud, who achieve much, are all hiding. The truth is, all of us, the high flyers, the proud, failures, all have a dark room in our lives. The place where we desperately do not want others in. The place where we want others to stay away from. The place where we run to to make ourselves feel lousy to feel god. The place where we say that we hide, when in fact, the devil uses the pain we have there to make us feel good about being useless.

My world inside has crubled. If you come in, if you knock, i will fall over. I have nothing to hold on to. No success to speak of. No place i can run to and say, there is my confidence. So many times i try to create an image, a place in me where i appear to be strong. But i am not strong there. I am not strong at all in any place.

Do i know god? No i do not. I do not know if i believe in him. If i hear him. I do not know if he is near. Nor do i know if he is real.

But this i want to believe. That he is Real. That he is near. That he is true. That the voices i hear are those of him. When he says that He is god, when he says that he is real. When he says that he wants me. When he says that he wants to test my faith. Wants to bring out the real me out. The man who is secure in nothing but christ. Am i secure in christ? Am i insecure because i appear not to be able to hear him? Or am i secure because i believe him.

I think it is the latter. Hearing God does not mean we are secure in christ. hearing god means we need to hear to be secure. Hearing God means we need to be secure in having promises being fufilled. I think God wants me to trust him, even when he does not seem to fulfil his promises. I think God wants me to trust that he is God. That i am man, and that i am loved by him. That means, that i may not be blessed in the fashion that we think we should get. The fashion that some chruches preach, that we are blessed with riches, health and happiness.

I think, god wants me to have a complete confidence in him. that i can walk stoically saying , not that i know the bible so well i can quote. Not that i can say that i know God's voice and i can heal thousands and save millions. But that i have the faith, the faith that God is there. And i can go through all things. And there is where my confidence lies.