I qualify the Called

Again and again, after talking to some people, God's call is stronger and stronger. Now i am wondering, What should i do?

I am loathe to apply (partly for fear of getting the job and also the fear of not getting the job). But also because i have told so many people that i want to wait to get experience.

Unfortunately i can see that the reason i give is slowly being eroded as a practical reason, as that reason now succeeds only as an excuse not to join the teaching profession. To be honest, while working people do have things that they can teach, the marginal effect i think is very little.

How God? Why can't you send me BIG BIG sign, like a JOIN TEACHING TODAY email or flyer, or better still, all the ministry saying NO NO WE NO HIRING YOU.

ARGH

Jobs jobs. Is it not easier just to do what i want?

I pisteuo (believe). Help my apistia (unbelief).

Yancy says it best. Faith and doubt must coexist.

I really admire some of my friends who's life is so deep with faith in God. People from VCF, like Ming Hui, like Paul. People' who's faith in God is so strong. Guo Yi's who's knowledge of God's word is the foundation of his faith.

And when i dig deeper, my faith is built on shaky ground. I even wonder if i have built my house on sand, or worse on water. I wonder where do i stand will i even stand. I wonder where i will fall.

Last night i told a friend i am skipping church. Immediately, Holy spirit said, do you trust me. Thursday night, someone prophesied over me, telling me that God is calling me to make Him my rock. God is my rock. Something so easy to say, so hard to do. So hard to do.

God is asking me to trust Him. And it is so hard. Because I have seen too much to be unable to distrust God, yet seen too little to be able to say Amen. Is my faith real?


I think i want to ask. Is my faith unreal. Do i lack the faith that peope have. Do i even have faith. Would people even call me a christian? Would anyone actually say that i know God? Am i living a life as one approved by God? Am i choosing God over everything.

My faith sounds so ego centric, all I, I, I, but to be honest, that is what faith is. A response to God's call. Jesus told the woman,

"Your faith has made you whole"
and again
"Arise and go your way, Your faith has made you whole" (luke 8:48 and 17:19)

Faith is your response to God's call, God's purpose, God's plan, God's will, God's way. Faith is a response to who God is. Faith is an active belief.

Faith comes by hearing, and Hearing the word [Rhema] word of God. (Rom 10:17). I did get the rhema word, but that is the problem. I have seen too little to believe and too much not to believe.

God i believe. Help my unbelief

Argh

Everytime i blog some complain, God speaks.

Is 64:5. You meet him who rejoices and does righteousness. Who remembers You in Your ways.

Somehow, I read this verse, and i felt God ask me, am i rejoicing? I dunno.

Am i? I want to. I really really want to rejoice in God. I want to run so hard for God, i run out of breathe. I want to go all out for God.

Yet something holds me back. On the one hand, sin creeps in. On the other hand, uncertainty. Insecurity. The not 'Good enough' label.

But you know what, God never asked us to be good enough. He never called us to achieve big things for Him to love us. He never told us to be perfect. He did call us to work to perfection, but at the same time, His grace covers.

How many of us want to fall in love? Well, this is it. Falling in love, is to know the person so well, and being yourself. That is all. To know who the person is and realise that this is someone whom you can connect. I mean this both for falling in love with God and falling in love with a person.

In both cases, falling in love, means to know the person. 1 cor 13 is the famous chapter on LOVE, not on falling in love. I believe with all my heart, falling in love means to know the person.

Over the weekend was a horrid weekend. The truth requires a price, and i believe strongly at the end of the day, the price was paid. I also believe something. When the truth is released, many things happen whether you like it or not. One is the situation changes. Not that things happen, but the situation changes. The second is there is a price to be paid for the truth.

But through it all, i know one thing is real, honouring God. As long as we honoured God, then all is well.

Right now, God i just am asking you for a sign of the promise you made me. The covenant you made with me. God, would you just confirm it for me in any way.

Resumes and life

I just went for my first job application test.
But this is not about that.

I was preparing my resume, the evidence of my life. The varying things i have done with the time i have spent in school. the activities and events i have helped to plan and to organise and etc.

And i was reflecting on my life. As i write out my resume, i am forced to reflect on what happened at that period of time in my life. I am forced to think back on my journey so far. On whether my life has made a difference.

Honestly, i don't know. Personally, i think i have not made much of a difference, but my friends have told me otherwise. That in some way i have impacted them. In some ways, i have changed their lives. I hope i did.

I don't know if the journey i have taken so far is with God for God. I don't know if what i am doing is for his glory. I don't even know if what i hear is from him. I don't even know if I hear God anymore. My faith is crumbling as i look at how little i have travelled. At what i have done.

Every moment i spend trying to be a christian is faking it. I don't know if i am in the light anymore. Nor if i am still just fighting a losing battle. Sin creeps and knocks at my door. Desire to avoid God comes so strongly.

I am pressing on because i know not what now. I am pressing on because i need to. i am pressing on because people need me to.

God can you send an angel. I just need to know, i am ok.

The victory i once had i lost. I life i once led i lost. The passions i once had i lost. Everything that i have is stripped away. Even my faith. Do i have faith to cling on to a hope i cannot see, to a God i cannot hear. To a truth i cannot understand? is this blind faith?

I want the old william back. The one who was alive. The one who lived. I lost him somewhere. Why am i always fighting? God what do you have for me?