A new start

I was wondering how do the lessons in my life over the few weeks tied in. But today i learnt it all in one session.

First, the last few weeks were solely on faith. On walking in faith, on the truth that Faith was not a feeling but an action lived out according to what God says. It is an active response.

Then slowly i felt that walking in faith was hard, because i could not. I learnt that Life is not about the choices ahead, but the CHOICE ahead, that we can only handle ONE Choice at a time. We look at the past, we are distressed by our track record. We look at the future, and we are discouraged by the distance left. What we do is to choose to put step by step the next stage.

Later God pulled me on a journey of discovering the disciplines of loving Him. That loving God is a discipline, that loving anyone is a discipline. Not just emotions, but an active discipline. We choose to love God totally.

Subsequently, God showed me what Loving Him means, that doing the QT is not for loving Him, but to build a restedness in Him so as to have the faith to walk in. To walk in faith is not possible if we are not rested in Him, for only when we are rested in Him can He enter our lives and us in Him.

Finally God showed me that total picture. That right now i am rebuilding my entire christian life. One based on discipline because i realise His love for me, and i love Him. This disciplines will instead of stressing me out, makes me rest in Him, allowing me to walk out my life in faith. And from that faith, i can wait eagerly for the righteousness that we are all entitled to but so few attain, the righteousness by faith, not by declaration that God is saviour, but the righteousness by faith. And all this boils down to one word.

Choice. A choice will determine your character. Your character defines your destiny. Your destiny is NOT a destination, nor achievement, but it is who you are. God made you and He knew who He wanted you to be. He wanted you to be someone, He had a plan and a purpose for you, and nothing makes Him happier nor more glorified than if we fulfill our purposes. We choose Him. Not over the big things, but the NEXT decision. The next one, the next one. God gave us free will. Choose. Choose God now, next time.

Dun worry about the future, worry about today. It is hard enough. Choose God NOW. Dun hesitate. Choose Him Now. That you may achieve the DESTINY that God has for each and everyone of us, that we may attain righteousness by faith, that same faith that is the only thing that can please God, that same faith that will produce works, all boils down to the living faith that is an action. Walking in agreement with God. And to get that faith, we need the disciplines of loving God.

God's Glory

Something my friend sent me.

When anything in creation fulfills its purpose, it brings glory to God

You bring God glory just by being who you are and who you are is great

Prov 16:4
The LORD has made everything for its own purpose, Even the wicked for the day of evil.

Is it more simpler than that? No. To be who God made us to be, to fulfill his purpose for us, gives him the greatest Glory. There is no need to go out there and make huge numbers of believers, to even build churches, to go for missions. It is so easy, to be who God made us to be. That above EVERYTHING gives him the greatest Glory.

Everything is made for God's Glory. If we defy his purposes, we sin. As long as we are not in his purposes, we are sinning.

If we fulfill his purposes, no matter how small, God says Well done Good and Faithful servant.

Tussle for outward worship during an internal storm

This is a honest replication of what i feel.

"God i gave you my fourth year. I honoured you the best i knew how to. I gave you my time. I gave you my love. I loved your people as you called me to, no matter the cost. I fought for you. I honoured my covenant with you. I was as faithful as any. And yet i have no testimony of faith. I have nothing i can hold up to show of your faithfulness.

I am as yet jobless and single. I have honoured and yet i have not seen your fruit. My God, My God, why hast thou forsaken me? What good can i declare of thee? What declaration can thy mouth make? I cry to you O lord, hear my grievances."

I find myself asking this question, is God Good? I dunno. I really dunno.

This has to be the longest time i am fighitng this battle. It feels so tiring, to be a christian and still have to fight. Where is the victory in my life? Where is the war that i should have won? Where is my God in all this?

The worse part are people who know me not coming up to me and saying things like have faith, pray etc etc. I dun need advice, nor counsel. Words of truth i too have. What i hunger now is for God to bring to pass what He has promised me. Yes i have hung onto the promise too much, perhaps even neglected the promiser. But don't you tell me that. Just pray and sit beside me.

At the end of the day, to choose God even when you feel forsaken, to choose God no matter what you feel, even when the circumstances tell a whole different story. You know what, when you do that, that is hard core faith. Do i have it? I dunno. Have i a testimony? I do not know. But this thing i know, "Not that I have already attained, or am already perfected; but I press on, that I may lay hold of that for which Christ Jesus has also laid hold of me." (Phi 3:12)

Faith

To continue on faith

James 2:17 Thus also faith by itself, if it is without works, is dead.

I always thought faith and works, the whole issue of fruit or works being the evidence of faith, i.e. good works, like blessing others, love others, etc etc. What we would call, good work la.

But reading on james, you come to a question. James points out Abraham and Rahab, and their works were well good, if you were to put yourself in their shoes at their time, their works were actually a leap of faith.

The works James talks about here is an action birthed out of faith, to take a step despite the more attractive alternative. To move in a manner that opposes that which is more conventional. In essence, faith that causes us to move in a irrational manner, but rational in the sense it is obedience to what God calls us to do.

The works i need to do, is to move in obedience to God, even if a alternative that is more plausible is present. Faith without works, faith without moving in agreement with God, faith without obedience is dead. Faith is not a desperate plea for help, not a desperation for God. Faith is the dependence on God.

Today, i was reminded of a saying
"If you can, do.
If you can't, teach.
If you can't teach, teach those who teach."

I think it should change.
"If you can do, teach.
If you can't teach, do."

SOrry i very teacher mode i dunno why. Pray with me k, as i walk in faith that God calls me to teach.

To have Faith

To have faith when the sky is bleak
To have faith when the darkness creeps in
To have faith when the waves collapses over you
To have faith when the horrors of the night become reality
To have faith when the nightmare is truly lived in
To have faith when the nothing seems right
To have faith when you are totally helpless
To have faith even when it is stupid to

To have faith when you are lashed
To have faith when the whips with metal bits bites into your flesh and torn off.
To have faith when bleeding, a robe is put over your raw skin.
To have faith when the rough wood you carry is your death
To have faith when you can walk no more
To have faith when you reach your last position of life.
To have faith when you lie on the wood posts.
To have faith when the nails is slammed into your wrists
To have faith when the nail is smashed into your ankles
To have faith when you are put on display for the world to see

To have faith to say, "Father, Forgive them for they know not what they do"

To have faith, is to risk it all.

Exhausted

I am tired.

Last night, after studying in school for hours, i decided to go home early, which i did. Subsequently i decided since it was early, 10pm, i went for jog. Quite happy with the progress there. Should be able to finish my 2.4 km in an acceptable time. And almost ready to take on the challenge of army half marathon.

Anyway, for some unexplainable reason, i failed to sleep soundly. Ended up waking at 4 am.. dunno why. Slept again at like 5 plus.

Got up at 7, came to school for tennis with matthew and evan. Decided that we should stage a play called "Le Miserable Player", or "Phantom of the courts". But seriously, since we been playing for quite regularly, we have improved. By and large, our balls land in our own court=p

Anyway i am now in school, trying to finish up forensics science. Super sleepy.. but must press on.

Today, i made a move. A step to let go, and just move. Just let go, kinda like letting go to have faith. Is a long story and i should be studying so i will just say that if you please, pray for me that i may have faith, and work on my distrust of God.

I pisteuo (believe). Help my apistia (unbelief).

Yancy says it best. Faith and doubt must coexist.

I really admire some of my friends who's life is so deep with faith in God. People from VCF, like Ming Hui, like Paul. People' who's faith in God is so strong. Guo Yi's who's knowledge of God's word is the foundation of his faith.

And when i dig deeper, my faith is built on shaky ground. I even wonder if i have built my house on sand, or worse on water. I wonder where do i stand will i even stand. I wonder where i will fall.

Last night i told a friend i am skipping church. Immediately, Holy spirit said, do you trust me. Thursday night, someone prophesied over me, telling me that God is calling me to make Him my rock. God is my rock. Something so easy to say, so hard to do. So hard to do.

God is asking me to trust Him. And it is so hard. Because I have seen too much to be unable to distrust God, yet seen too little to be able to say Amen. Is my faith real?


I think i want to ask. Is my faith unreal. Do i lack the faith that peope have. Do i even have faith. Would people even call me a christian? Would anyone actually say that i know God? Am i living a life as one approved by God? Am i choosing God over everything.

My faith sounds so ego centric, all I, I, I, but to be honest, that is what faith is. A response to God's call. Jesus told the woman,

"Your faith has made you whole"
and again
"Arise and go your way, Your faith has made you whole" (luke 8:48 and 17:19)

Faith is your response to God's call, God's purpose, God's plan, God's will, God's way. Faith is a response to who God is. Faith is an active belief.

Faith comes by hearing, and Hearing the word [Rhema] word of God. (Rom 10:17). I did get the rhema word, but that is the problem. I have seen too little to believe and too much not to believe.

God i believe. Help my unbelief

Humility

What is humility?

I realised what humility was. It is not limited to just thinking others as better as yourself. I think that Phil 2:3 is an interesting verse. NASB Translate it as :

Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves;

The word BUT there is important. It signifies instead of those things, do the opposite. The opposite of humility, is selfishness or empty conceit.

That is the truth of humility. Humility is about placing other people above yourself, that is see them as more important then yourself. See their lives as precious, indeed see them as lives that it is worth to die for. See their lives as valuable. Like jesus. He saw our lives as more valuable then his! Can you imagine that? Why would he choose to die on the cross, except that He loved us so much, to Him, our lives were more valuable then His own.

But that is not to say that our lives are useless! No on the contrary. Our lives are precious and we need to live them out to the max! Jesus says, learn from Him for he is lowly and humble, but you know what, this same Jesus says, He is THE Way, THE Truth, THE Life. Not very humble eh.

The second part of humility, is knowing who you really are. Humility at its greatest, is both when we are fully aware of who God made us to be, the purpose He has for us, the direction in life, the calling in life, Who we are to God, Who we really are, and also the awareness that we must be willing to lay our lives down for our loved ones. No greater love do we show, when we lay our lives down for one another. When we esteem the other higher than ourselves, we do not mean to say we are unimportant. On the contrary, only one who is fully aware of him or her self can honestly lay his or her life down for another.

Humility is about knowing who we are. Humility is about valuing others more precious then ourselves. When we know God more, we will be more humble, both to God and in life.

Today, as i led bible study, it was a struggle, because i felt that people were a bit uninterested. It was hurting when people had conversations on paper. I realise how hurtful i am when i do that during sessions conducted by others. It really hurts when what you took time to prepare was simply seen as unimportant.

I had a spiritual attack before the lesson. Heard the devil say that i was useless, unimportant, unable to do anything, totally useless, lousy, weak, hopeless. I saw all my failings and mistakes. And almost cried. Compared to shaun's ability to read the word, i am no one. Compared to steph's ability to teach, i stand far away. Compared to rachel's strength in giving advice, i am lost. Compared to gilbert's guitar skills, i stand defeated. I felt lousy. I felt useless. I felt like rubbish. I was a screw up, a failure, a misfit, an actor in a world where christians are victorious. An outcast. One who is not even a christian at times, one who fails, flounders, flops.

But then the song, Hungry struck me.

Hungry i come to you, for i know you satisfy.
I am empty but i know your love does not run dry.

And that is the truth. I girded myself, pulled up by the grace of God, and cried out to God. There is no one else but Him. I am down but not out, because My God delivers, YES, HE DELIVERS.

Even though the sessions went badly, i believed, i did what God wanted. For that, i thank God. I come to see, that it is important that i know what God wanted, and because of my gift, i am not excused for not asking and not knowing. I hear God so clearly, disobedience becomes more of a serious thing for me simply because i know His voice accurately. A bit hard to disobey and still be able to get away from it.

For all that is worth, My God made me who I am to play the role He needs me to play.

Dying

Biblically, death plays a major role.

In the old testament time, animals were mostly mentioned not as gifts but as sacrifices. For atonement of Sin, guilt. Put to death sin was a large part of the old testament teaching.

In the new testament, lesser sacrifice (cos the one and only sacrifice was done) were performed. But now, the sacrifices of God became the death of self, of pride. Indeed, Paul says He dies daily, 1cr 15:31. (And i doubt that means he resurrects daily too). Paul, i believe, was talking about dying to self, about desires. About laying them down for the Lord, just dying daily.

Yet we fear death, both the physical, and the laying down of rights, of expectations, of dying to self daily. This is what God wants us to do, yet we fear it more than anything else. We fear to die to ourselves. We fear to place things on the altar. We fear to leave sin alone, because it maybe where we get our satisfaction from. We fear to leave our future in the hands of God, we fear to die our desires, our desires to control. We fear to die. We fear to sacrifice fully unto God.

But you know what, when I read about the sacrifices of the animals, of the sacrifice of Jesus, of the sacrifices that God calls us to do, to pride, to sin, to all that is not for him, to all that is for him also, there is one common thread. More than death. And that is life.

In every sacrifice, there is life. Jesus's sacrifice brought life. The animals sacrifice brought life as well. Ultimately, wth every death, there is life. There is life worth living. There is life.

I want to say this, with every sacrifice, there is death yes. But we almost always focus on the death, and we forget, that the reason for the sacrifice, is so that life may take place. Is so that life may come out, and come out abundantly.

I want to sacrifice my life for God, to live every moment for him, to realy lay it down and bear his cross, in the hope and faith that He gives life. But even if he does not deliver me, even if he does not bless me in the fashion i want, God is still good.

Faith

I had interesting time with God.

Last night, after blogging and talking to a friend, i went to meet God. Did not want to, as i was tired and needed to sleep. But i thank God for talking.

The first thing He said was, if you have lost your faith, why do you still pray? If you have lost your faith, is this voice not just a voice?

My answer was silence. then God said something which struck me (is a bit personal so i shall just leave it out).

Anyway, God reminded me to surrender 'it' into his hands. Then He explained what surrender is.

Don't think of the if only, don't make decisions now. Pray about it. That's what surrender is. Not a total disregard of the issue, but the not thinking of the what if, if only extrapolations. The decisions wait till I say so. The prayer goes on.

It takes faith to surrender. Faith on things yet unseen, unknown, unheard of, yet faith in a God who is real and everlasting, who is faithful beyond all things. With that faith, we lay down our desires in the knowledge that God will satisfy us. It is a powerful act unto God. To die the desire.

I could go on on dying, some other time. But the key is, in surrendering, it takes faith. And the thing i most love about Daniel's friend, Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego. in daniel 3. This is an act of great faith.

Vs 17-18 reads:

"If it be so, our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the furnace of blazing fire; and He will deliver us out of your hand, O king. But even if He does not, let it be known to you, O king, that we are not going to serve your gods or worship the golden image that you have set up." (italics, bold added)

This is in the face of death, that even if my God does not deliver me, even if He choses not to save me, My God is STILL good, my God is STILL God.

I mean, can i honestly surrender the issue and say unto God, God, even if it does not happen according to my desires, the desires and dreams you know fully about, still i will say, My God is good. Still i will worship You oh God.

I don't know, but this is the cry of God's heart. On this journey of faith, this is the next step.