Tussle for outward worship during an internal storm
This is a honest replication of what i feel.
"God i gave you my fourth year. I honoured you the best i knew how to. I gave you my time. I gave you my love. I loved your people as you called me to, no matter the cost. I fought for you. I honoured my covenant with you. I was as faithful as any. And yet i have no testimony of faith. I have nothing i can hold up to show of your faithfulness.
I am as yet jobless and single. I have honoured and yet i have not seen your fruit. My God, My God, why hast thou forsaken me? What good can i declare of thee? What declaration can thy mouth make? I cry to you O lord, hear my grievances."
I find myself asking this question, is God Good? I dunno. I really dunno.
This has to be the longest time i am fighitng this battle. It feels so tiring, to be a christian and still have to fight. Where is the victory in my life? Where is the war that i should have won? Where is my God in all this?
The worse part are people who know me not coming up to me and saying things like have faith, pray etc etc. I dun need advice, nor counsel. Words of truth i too have. What i hunger now is for God to bring to pass what He has promised me. Yes i have hung onto the promise too much, perhaps even neglected the promiser. But don't you tell me that. Just pray and sit beside me.
At the end of the day, to choose God even when you feel forsaken, to choose God no matter what you feel, even when the circumstances tell a whole different story. You know what, when you do that, that is hard core faith. Do i have it? I dunno. Have i a testimony? I do not know. But this thing i know, "Not that I have already attained, or am already perfected; but I press on, that I may lay hold of that for which Christ Jesus has also laid hold of me." (Phi 3:12)
"God i gave you my fourth year. I honoured you the best i knew how to. I gave you my time. I gave you my love. I loved your people as you called me to, no matter the cost. I fought for you. I honoured my covenant with you. I was as faithful as any. And yet i have no testimony of faith. I have nothing i can hold up to show of your faithfulness.
I am as yet jobless and single. I have honoured and yet i have not seen your fruit. My God, My God, why hast thou forsaken me? What good can i declare of thee? What declaration can thy mouth make? I cry to you O lord, hear my grievances."
I find myself asking this question, is God Good? I dunno. I really dunno.
This has to be the longest time i am fighitng this battle. It feels so tiring, to be a christian and still have to fight. Where is the victory in my life? Where is the war that i should have won? Where is my God in all this?
The worse part are people who know me not coming up to me and saying things like have faith, pray etc etc. I dun need advice, nor counsel. Words of truth i too have. What i hunger now is for God to bring to pass what He has promised me. Yes i have hung onto the promise too much, perhaps even neglected the promiser. But don't you tell me that. Just pray and sit beside me.
At the end of the day, to choose God even when you feel forsaken, to choose God no matter what you feel, even when the circumstances tell a whole different story. You know what, when you do that, that is hard core faith. Do i have it? I dunno. Have i a testimony? I do not know. But this thing i know, "Not that I have already attained, or am already perfected; but I press on, that I may lay hold of that for which Christ Jesus has also laid hold of me." (Phi 3:12)
posted by W | Thursday, August 23, 2007
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