Outsourced

Tagline:
Todd just lost his job. Now he has to find his life.

The show "outsourced" is an incredible show. It shows the journey of a man, called Tod, who finds himself sent to India because his company has decided to outsource the entire department (call centre, Order Fulfillment) to India.

The movie depicts how he gets around in India, how he hates it, then grows to love it.

I think the movie chronicles a great way to live life. Tod went to India resenting the way of life. He resents being sent to India. He hates it.

In the same way, when change happens to us, we find that sometimes, we hate it. We find it difficult to accept the new changes. We are forced into positions we cannot accept, yet have to make do.

Tod later learns to love India. In a especially poignant scene, Tod enters the river to clean up. You see him apprehensive at first, then he goes deep in, literally like a baptism, then he starts swimming and enjoying the river.

That is like life. Once we are able to embrace change, find the beauty and the life within the change, life goes on. That is what is meant by God giving us life to enjoy things. Life was meant for us to enjoy circumstances. Embrace the events that are in our life. Not all are good, even after the embrace, Tod still had some difficulty. But he learnt to take the good with the bad, the chili with the rice. Embracing life is about the good and the bad put together to make a decent experience.

Then Tod goes back to his office. He admits he was wrong in trying to run the office like an American office. He needed to make the place functional, not shoehorned into a model that did not apply.

That is like life. So many times, I find myself struggling because I am trying to reshape the circumstances to fit a model in my mind, or to make something work in the manner I know how. I fail to see that I should instead try to make the circumstances work best in the way it is meant to be.

This point applies to ministry. How many of us try to make our juniors like us? How many of us wants our youth to be like us, the good side at least. But the truth is, they will never be. They are not meant to be like us. They are meant to be them. They are meant to be the best that God made them to be. They are meant to reflect a different aspect of God from us. They reflect God, not us.

Parents want their children to be living images of themselves. That will never happen because it is not meant to be. Children should be stretched to allow them to reach their maximum potential.

And finally, the last scene. Tod succeeds in bringing down the time taken for each call to be concluded to 5 minutes, one minute below the target. His boss comes in to tell him that they are shutting down the business and moving to china. Tod is asked to go to china. He refuses, and sends his no. 2 man, while he returns to the states unemployed. Along the way, he loses the girl he loves (one of the staff there) and he returns to the states. Yet, he returns to a life. He embraces the change. He realises, he is in control of his choices.

That is life. Not everything ends well. Life does take a turn for the bad. You lose the one you love, you lose your job. Yet life does not end. Life goes on, and change has to be embraced. We choose how we would like to respond to the change. Life goes on.

That show teaches about life. It shows us that change happens, circumstances are NEVER in our control. Only our choices in how we respond to the circumstances.

Teaching.

We spoke about the failings of economics in class today.

An opinion that was voiced was that economics is too positive. We do not have very much normative views on economics.

Positive views of economics concerns itself with what is. It is usually empirically verifiable and generally regarded as economic knowledge or truths. Concerning itself with what is, it is easier to deal with. What is unemployment? What is inflation? What is the absolute poverty line?

Normative views of economics concerns itself with what ought to be. It is value laden, judgment based on what is right or what should be right and wrong. It makes a decision or a stand, it is about people. Do you understand that an unemployed person is not a statistic? Should we not only resort to unemployment under dire circumstances?

Economics succeeded so well because we focused on the positive branch of economics. We do not manage normative values. One reason for that is that positive economics is far easier to deal with than normative. There is less room for discussion, no values to be discussed.

Yet is that what economics is about? Is it all about the numbers? The rationality of people, the desire to do better? Is it all about what that we want, the best for ourselves without regard to other things in life like values, desires and well being? Do we consider relationships as the fundamental building block of life?

I think there is a deeper struggle at hand. Underlying all these is the struggle, what can we teach? Can we teach values? Is there a right and wrong? Are values lost in today's world? Are there values? Is everything in life about knowledge?

Teachers teach students not to pass exams, or even to have an education, but we teach the students to become adults. Teaching is not just in the classroom; teaching is about life impartation. It begins when we are old and we start to think. It continues when we speak our thoughts. It is shown by the lives we live. It ends when we say, it is finished. Teaching is about life impartation. We need to teach our kids to live lives worth living.

Everyone is a teacher. The difference is, teaching can also be a profession. Ask yourself, what do you want to teach? How to make the right decision? Or mere head knowledge.

Exhort

I felt i needed to blog this.

Be the best. We each need to run hard after God SO that we can achieve our destiny in Christ. No one else can do our job better than us, because God called us. We are His First Choice, God calls us.

We need to grab hold of our destiny, in whatever field, do our best that we may bring the greatest glory to God. In the position of our calling, where God calls we need to excel that others may see both US and God.

Bible tells us, God exalts the humble; The humble are those who know who they are in christ. They know their abilities, their skills. They are aware of who they are, and who God is. God exalts them. We have to be living excellence on earth, that God may get glory. If we are doing something for God and it is not good, then we need to check ourselves; is it because we are not putting effort or is it because God does not want us there.

I believe if God calls us to a career, job, task, opportunity to shine for Him, it means we CAN shine for Him. There are times, when God calls us to do something and it does not work out, i do not rule that out, but then, the heart of the matter remains; Do we give our all for God?

No one can do the job God gave you better than anyone else.

Golden Compass.

Like the release of another show, the Da Vinci Code, Philip Pullman’s Dark material consisting of three books, The Golden Compass (Previously Northern Lights), The Subtle Knife and The Amber Spyglass, has raised a uproar in the Christian Community.

Pullman is an atheist with a special hatred for Christianity. He is firmly against the church; his books are about killing God. He is definitely not someone we want our children to read blindly.

But dig a bit deeper. Do we want to bring up a generation of children who cannot think for themselves but need to rely on parents or the church for moral guide on everything? Do we not want them to learn discernment instead of robotic obedience?

The truth is, careful guiding of the children through the books is far better than a outright boycott to the books. Please note, i believe that the nature of Dark Materials is indeed something that Christians need to have discernment, and not a Carte Blanche approach. Especially young children. Perhaps with the really young kids i might advocate not letting them read but for older children, discernment.

The books are what I believe to be far better written than C. S. Lewis much loved Narnia Classics. Lewis is more of a philosopher; his books are arguments construed behind a fictional landscape, put forward by characters. (From another view point: The enticing pagan worlds nurtured by C.S. Lewis and his myth-making friends were not inspired by God's Word or Spirit. Those stories grew out of a lifelong immersion in the beliefs, values, rituals, languages and lifestyles of former pagan cultures. The site portrays Narnia as a pagan book).

As a work of fiction, this is a great book. Narnia unfortunately (or fortunately) does not rank as one of my must reads. I read it once, and never felt like reading it again. So I am NOT bashing Narnia, but I believe it is not in the league of good fiction. Lewis writes superb non fiction books of which many atheists would be hard pressed to measure up.

Let me put forward my thesis: The dark materials, if properly discerned does have excellent teaching materials of truth. The problem with truth, (or the power of truth) is that one cannot escape from it no matter how hard one tries. The power of truth is not in its presence, but in its absence. If there is no truth, there can be no force in any argument. That is, if there is no truth, then every argument automatically fails. Because there is truth, then we can have hope that something we believe in is possible.

So I believe that a careful reading (and I do not mean a careful in the sense of studying but careful in the sense measuring up the book’s teaching against the bible) will reveal some things.

I deal with them book by book because it is easier. The first book, called Northern Lights (I prefer it’s original name) talks about Lyra. She lives in a world where humans have daemons (pronounced demons). These daemons are a person’s best friend, more a soul. If someone were to touch or hurt a daemon, the person would hurt. It is like being able to commune with your soul, in fact in Lyra’s world, only humans have souls.

Lyra, through a series of events, gets thrown into an adventure (or so she believes) to save her friend. She goes all out to save the one she loves, and never gives up. She travels to the north, and never loses sight of her goal; something I believe I need to learn. To never give up.

Lyra finds friends that she never knew, gypsies who are the social outcasts. And they remind her, she is not them; she needs to find out who she is. (identity).

A very powerful scene is that of Lyra talking to the seaman. When the humans are young, their daemons take any form they want. As they age, the daemon settle. The humans learn that as a result, the daemons show them who they are. The kind of person they are. This is a lesson I feel every Christian must learn. They must know who they are. Saying the son of God is not enough. Loving God involves loving Him with your soul, your make up, your spirit, who God made you to be.

The seaman’s daemon is one of a seagull, and he says, “(K)nowing what kind of person you are. Take old Belisaria (his daemon). She is a seagull and that means I’m a kind of seagull too. I’m not grand nor splendid nor beautiful, but I’m a tough old thing and I can survive anywhere…”

The man knows his station. He knows the person that he is, and he is satisfied about it. He does not give up being better, but he knows who he is. The world cheers on those who follow, it stand aside for the one who knows where he is going, it is in awe of one who is confident of who he is.

Subsequently, the man talks about being contented and be satisfied with who one is. Never be dissatisfied with who you are inside, the talents the abilities. Sure learn skills and better yourself; but dun be unhappy with who you are and try to be someone you are not.

Whoa, this scene is so powerful. It breaks my heart. We need to tell our children and our friends, you are loved for WHO you are, not what you can do. And this book tells it.

The truth meter (alethiometer, the Golden Compass) tells the truth. It is valuable not because it is rare, but because it’s ability is important. Even the atheist have to admit that the most valuable commodity is truth. Because if there was no truth at all, then you might as well die now. Because if what you believe is cannot be true at all, why bother? The tool helps Lyra decipher what is going to happen as well, but you know what? She doesn’t want to.

In a scene near the end, she and Roger (her best friend) discusses about asking the meter to find out about what will happen. But instead, they decide, they rather remain in the present and live things as they are. How powerful is that! We want to know our every step till the day we die, when here, the children are interested merely in knowing the next one and to walk step by step till the events unfold slowly.

This is something important. Too many of us want to know what step 100 is when we should be focusing instead on step 1, when t=0 (now).

Subsequently, Lyra talks to Lord Asriel (her dad) about things. In here, Pullman proves something so opposite to his stand. We cannot prove the bible. We cannot prove the existence of God nor the existence of Adam and Eve even. We cannot even prove whether the Solomon existed (because his temple ruins have never been found). But yet listen to this, “…think of Adam and Eve like an imaginary number (the square root of -1)…, you can never see any concrete proof that it exists, but if you include it in your equations, you can calculate all manner of things that couldn’t be imagined without it.”

Exactly that! You want a hard core poof of God, you will not find it. You cannot. If you did prove God’s existence fully, you’d need no more faith. No more faith = no more hope = death. But you can prove that without God, many things that you observe now cannot be imagined, and that is key to Christianity. We cannot prove God’s existence fully; but we can show you that if you take God out of the equation, every equation out there collapses on itself. (btw, imaginary number is not a bad thing; in mathematics it is called so because it cannot technically exist yet it must. It’s proof lies in part due to the fact that without it, you cannot proceed in many cases). In the sense, there exist some proof of God, but the greatest proof of God is simply if you remove God, then you have nothing and everything collapses on itself.

God can use all things, and I believe He can use Pullman (albeit unwittingly). God’s truth comes out everywhere. In books that are blatantly evil (e.g. books of witchcraft, teaching on touching the spiritual realm, pornography etc) avoid them in entirety. Otherwise, read them with discernment.

There is another part I would like to refute. Pullman writes about the church being oppressive and fearful, as being the ultimate authority. I agree with him that such a church deserves to be torn down. And in fact, it did exist one time.

The church that Pullman describes is one that we need to fight against. It is not the church of God, but of man. A power hungry, oppressive unsafe organisation that we cannot allow. Such a church demands that Christians fight against it. And remember, the catholic church USED (not any more) to be like that. Pullman is right in saying church history is ugly; no other religion’s history is as bloody as ours. But it is ugly because of corruption in the church and hence we do need to be careful of such a church. (BTW, if you are a Methodist, Lutheran, Anglican, etc etc, at one point, you were a heretic. We are all born of heretical movements.) What Pullman writes is not heresy, it is truth.

The corrupted church can come, it might have come. We need to prevent it.

“Without exception, Pullman characterizes churches and anyone connected to them as agents of wickedness, oppression, torture, murder and malevolence.” (taken from http://www.pluggedinonline.com/thisweekonly/a0003516.cfm?eafref=1&eafref=1) I agree with the statement, if the church involved is that described in the book. Then the church IS an instrument of torture, inhuman activity, murder and essential a debasement of God’s church. Mind you, such a church is more of a devil’s bastion and not a temple of God.

In the end, I am here merely to say that the Golden Compass, and any other half truth books, must not be put under a blanket ban or boycott but an educated study of the materials is required. To extract the right lessons, refute the lies, explain the ugly truth when necessary.

Mountains

Today's sermon was on mountains. To climb Mountains. To find your own mountain, and to conquer it.

I think that is vital. We each need to find that arena in life, in the world, where we fight to conquer it for God. We need to find the place where we can roar for God. Where we are the ones who will bring that mountain under God's rule. We are called the children of God, to be saviors in the world. We need to rise up.

I wish I could I say with courage that I love God and have love FOR God. I wish I could say that my walk with God is great, that everyday i grow to be more like Him. I wish i could say that i am a follower of Jesus, prepared to die for Him, to surrender everything for Him.

I cannot. I cannot even say that I have anymore love for God. I still love God, just no longer have the passion for Him anymore. Somewhere, the weeds of the world have choked my desires for God.

I want to have the same faith I had for God when I was in NUS. When I was on fire for God. I want that same passion to seek and to desire for God. Not just an act of loving God, but to want to love God, that is a desire that comes from knowing God.

I have lost. And I want to come home. Just pray for me.

I keep coming home; only to find that I want out.


On an emotional side, I am feeling lonely. Think I have been single for too long. Haha. But there is just the problem that I feel, that I am not ready yet. Not fully. There is a thorn I need to get rid of.

UPDATE

Ok LONG time since i blog.

Update. This week has been pretty strange. Realising that God answered my prayer. MOE has called me up for an interview today. Pretty scared when i went.

Then Uncle David from my church smsed me, and he said this, Be yourself. Which is what i did. Basically, i think the interview went ok. So praying la. If God opens this door, then YEY!!!. Course if He opens the SIA door then i also blur already. Got interview tmr.

Anyway that is the big thing in my life. My Job search. Which i hope will be stopped soon. On a side note, been meeting up with my former students of fairfield. To teach them LOGs. After every lesson, become dead log. Hopefully they understand Log.

And since they know my blog...

REMEMBER: log (x/y) = log x - log y, NOT log x / log y. Consequently, log x / log y does NOT equal to log (x/y). Make sure you remember your logarithm rules.

Also, (sin x) x (sin x) = sin (squared) x, NOT sin 2x. Goes for ALL trigo.

And sin x + sin x = 2 sin x, NOT sin 2x.

AND MAKE SURE YOU MEMORISE YOUR SPECIAL ANGLES! 0, 30, 45, 60, 90, 180, 270, 360 for ALL sin, cos, tan.

Finally, R formulae NOT given in exam. MEMORISE.

Ok on more fun stuff, i met up with people this week, been taking opportunity to meet up with friends. Last night met a friend and went to changi (which turned out to be bad place to eat, though nice place to see plane). Then today met another friend in school.

Ok well, that is all this week. super tired. Tmr got tennis and interview at SIA. Cheers

Relief

I went back to Fairfield last week (friday) and the last two days for relief.

It is the most tiring day i have had in awhile.

Monday i took several classes, including one Music Class, One History Class, One E-maths Class and one Sec 2 Maths class.

The music class was where i did nothing because the task that the students had to do (go to sfskids.com and investigate instruments) was not possible with the server down.

History was was. I had no idea it was History until i stepped into the class and the students told me it was History. It was a Sec 3 class (the class that i took again for E maths). Was super fun. Cos all i did was to talk to them and help them for the Maths test they were going to have in a while. Lala.

After history I took a break and took the same sec 3 class for E maths. It was essentially a invigilating lesson; they took the test and i watched to make sure they din cheat. There was one girl with a toy dog on her lap (big one, it was her birthday) whilst she took the test. What made it funnier was this other boy with a smaller dog on his table. Why do students need comfort toys?

It was also interesting to realise that Robert William Straughan, Pauline Straughan's son. Yes the NUS sociology prof's son. He is one very polite young man. (Whilst browsing the NUS Sociology Department webpage to find out how to spell Straughan, i just found out that Stella Quah is a woman)

Anyway then i had a sec 2 Maths. Was pretty cool, my JYC youth was there, scolded one kid for using a vulgarity (and i mean a very crude one at that) made him stand up for the rest of the class.

Today was more FUN!!!

First i took Sec 2 Maths. Super Cool. I love the sec school kids. They make me feel young. As opposed to how Clara calls me Uncle Seah.

Then I took a Sec 3E (Robert's Class) for A maths. Waaa, super slow la. Dunno whether Sharon (their maths teacher) will sock me for being so slow. After that i had a Sec 3A Chemistry Class. This was essentially let them do an assignment set by their teacher whom i was reliefing.

I then took the same class for A Maths (more my territory). Was ok, again a bit slow. Trying to teach them the basic of A maths. It is so much easier to learn then to teach.

Then the most exciting Class. 4G. A normal acad class. Rowdy and just basically could not be bothered with a Relief Teacher. So anyway just set the the homework, and let them do. The bigger problem was i totally cannot teach them because it is something i never did in Sec School.

Why oh why can't i teach Economics...

Oh well, i miss my students. I realise now that Teaching is really my passion. Lives ARE in the MAKING here, Hearts ARE in the WAKING here.

A new start

I was wondering how do the lessons in my life over the few weeks tied in. But today i learnt it all in one session.

First, the last few weeks were solely on faith. On walking in faith, on the truth that Faith was not a feeling but an action lived out according to what God says. It is an active response.

Then slowly i felt that walking in faith was hard, because i could not. I learnt that Life is not about the choices ahead, but the CHOICE ahead, that we can only handle ONE Choice at a time. We look at the past, we are distressed by our track record. We look at the future, and we are discouraged by the distance left. What we do is to choose to put step by step the next stage.

Later God pulled me on a journey of discovering the disciplines of loving Him. That loving God is a discipline, that loving anyone is a discipline. Not just emotions, but an active discipline. We choose to love God totally.

Subsequently, God showed me what Loving Him means, that doing the QT is not for loving Him, but to build a restedness in Him so as to have the faith to walk in. To walk in faith is not possible if we are not rested in Him, for only when we are rested in Him can He enter our lives and us in Him.

Finally God showed me that total picture. That right now i am rebuilding my entire christian life. One based on discipline because i realise His love for me, and i love Him. This disciplines will instead of stressing me out, makes me rest in Him, allowing me to walk out my life in faith. And from that faith, i can wait eagerly for the righteousness that we are all entitled to but so few attain, the righteousness by faith, not by declaration that God is saviour, but the righteousness by faith. And all this boils down to one word.

Choice. A choice will determine your character. Your character defines your destiny. Your destiny is NOT a destination, nor achievement, but it is who you are. God made you and He knew who He wanted you to be. He wanted you to be someone, He had a plan and a purpose for you, and nothing makes Him happier nor more glorified than if we fulfill our purposes. We choose Him. Not over the big things, but the NEXT decision. The next one, the next one. God gave us free will. Choose. Choose God now, next time.

Dun worry about the future, worry about today. It is hard enough. Choose God NOW. Dun hesitate. Choose Him Now. That you may achieve the DESTINY that God has for each and everyone of us, that we may attain righteousness by faith, that same faith that is the only thing that can please God, that same faith that will produce works, all boils down to the living faith that is an action. Walking in agreement with God. And to get that faith, we need the disciplines of loving God.

God's Glory

Something my friend sent me.

When anything in creation fulfills its purpose, it brings glory to God

You bring God glory just by being who you are and who you are is great

Prov 16:4
The LORD has made everything for its own purpose, Even the wicked for the day of evil.

Is it more simpler than that? No. To be who God made us to be, to fulfill his purpose for us, gives him the greatest Glory. There is no need to go out there and make huge numbers of believers, to even build churches, to go for missions. It is so easy, to be who God made us to be. That above EVERYTHING gives him the greatest Glory.

Everything is made for God's Glory. If we defy his purposes, we sin. As long as we are not in his purposes, we are sinning.

If we fulfill his purposes, no matter how small, God says Well done Good and Faithful servant.

Tussle for outward worship during an internal storm

This is a honest replication of what i feel.

"God i gave you my fourth year. I honoured you the best i knew how to. I gave you my time. I gave you my love. I loved your people as you called me to, no matter the cost. I fought for you. I honoured my covenant with you. I was as faithful as any. And yet i have no testimony of faith. I have nothing i can hold up to show of your faithfulness.

I am as yet jobless and single. I have honoured and yet i have not seen your fruit. My God, My God, why hast thou forsaken me? What good can i declare of thee? What declaration can thy mouth make? I cry to you O lord, hear my grievances."

I find myself asking this question, is God Good? I dunno. I really dunno.

This has to be the longest time i am fighitng this battle. It feels so tiring, to be a christian and still have to fight. Where is the victory in my life? Where is the war that i should have won? Where is my God in all this?

The worse part are people who know me not coming up to me and saying things like have faith, pray etc etc. I dun need advice, nor counsel. Words of truth i too have. What i hunger now is for God to bring to pass what He has promised me. Yes i have hung onto the promise too much, perhaps even neglected the promiser. But don't you tell me that. Just pray and sit beside me.

At the end of the day, to choose God even when you feel forsaken, to choose God no matter what you feel, even when the circumstances tell a whole different story. You know what, when you do that, that is hard core faith. Do i have it? I dunno. Have i a testimony? I do not know. But this thing i know, "Not that I have already attained, or am already perfected; but I press on, that I may lay hold of that for which Christ Jesus has also laid hold of me." (Phi 3:12)

Fruit

Jn 15:5 "I am the vine, you are the branches; he who abides in Me and I in him, he bears much fruit, for apart from Me you can do nothing.

Rev 3:20 "Behold, I stand at the door and knock; if anyone hears My voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and will dine with him, and he with Me"

God gave me a word yesterday. Do i bear good fruit? Am i bare because I have borne bad fruit and am being pruned, or is it because the fruit i bear, others have partaken of. Fruit borne by trees do not serve the trees (other then to propagate) The trees fruit is eaten by others, blessing the people who partake of the fruit. Bad fruit means you are pruned, or cut down. Good fruit means you will be harvested.

I do not know if i have borne good fruit, or even if i have been able to bless anyone. But i know that right now, i am bare. For what reason i know not.

Shaun said it is seasons. Well let me pray hard that this season i will not have a season of fruitless waiting. God did say that if I open the door, He will come in. When He abides in Me, I will bear fruit.

This is not a bible exposition. You will notice that some times i use verses out of context. God speaks and uses the verses out of context (but in context with his character) to me. That is my personal belief, and that is how He has always spoken to me. I write this as a disclaimer, because i am sick of people telling me the context. God's word (Rhema) is different from God's word (Logos).

I have faults but am not faulty

As i QT this morning, been gripped with a sense of fear.

I am useless. People are better than me. Etc etc etc.

Let me say that that fear is real and definitely a spiritual attack. At the same time, the lies of the devil are always rooted in half truths. Half truths are far more damaging that lies.

But to uncover the lie means i need to face the lies face on. I need to admit that yes i have faults. I cannot do a lot of things. I cannot play any musical instrument well. Just don't have the music finger. I cannot study very well. I am not tactful. Yes i do have faults.

But at the other hand, i am fearfully and wonderfully made in the image of God. There are facets of God that i reflect very well. I am passionate. I am interested in people's lives. I can relate to God easily, spiritually aware of God most of the time.

The only way to dispel a lie is with the truth. The only way to dispel a half lie is to present the entire truth. Have you lived with any half lies?

Wonder

Yesterday i went for lunch with a few of my econs classmates. Now because NUS lacks food places, we decided to drive out for lunch. On the way back to my car, the two girls in our party were walking infront of us guys. They stopped at a black car and waited there. It confused me because the car they stopped at was :

BMW 5 Series

whilst my car is

Honda City

We had a good laugh because they really almost opened the door of the car. Not that i would mind, considering mine is 58 k whilst a BMW costs 200k. Bit more ex. Though it is the same thing, four door, four wheels, one steering wheel, one engine.

Anyway yeah exams are coming. Rushing for work, yet no mood to study. Just wanna slack. Had the strangest dream last night. Woke up feeling sad. Empty. Drained. Realsing that God is asking me to really put him at the centre of my life, but it is hard. Cos there is just so much fear in me that people dun realise. The fear of not being able to find a job, find a life, a career, a family. I put up a face to be strong, but inside i am wondering how shaky my faith is.

I believe God is drawing me to a place where my faith will be shaken. A place where really i have nothing but God's voice to go on.

It is scary, but yeah it is a choice. A leap of faith. Wondering how.

Updates

Well monday is the last CG for me.

Bit sad actually. I will really miss all my cgms.

Shaun, Rixin, Dean, Hui Min, Steph, Doris, Rachel, En Lin, Ivan, Evan, Pearlyn, Tash. Really will miss the union we had, the friendship, the regular meeting up. A part of me knows that well, NUS is over. And like i said, i think i am happy that i gave it my best shot. But there is a huge tinge of sorrow as i prepare to leave.

It comes with every batch. Some of my friends are so happy to leave NUS. They felt that it was a waste of time, it is like overrated. For me, i think i am keen to leave because it is time to leave. I enjoyed my NUS life, but now is the time for me to enter into the next stage of life. Work.

Reflections on this period is hard. Will do it another time. Want to let it all sink in.

Right now, all i want to say is, I will miss NUS. Of all the different stages in my life, Pri, Sec, JC, Army, NUS, i enjoyed NUS the most. If i could, i would repeat this phase of life again, to undo the mistakes, and to relive the good points. But all i have and am grateful for are friends and memories.

Humility

What is humility?

I realised what humility was. It is not limited to just thinking others as better as yourself. I think that Phil 2:3 is an interesting verse. NASB Translate it as :

Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves;

The word BUT there is important. It signifies instead of those things, do the opposite. The opposite of humility, is selfishness or empty conceit.

That is the truth of humility. Humility is about placing other people above yourself, that is see them as more important then yourself. See their lives as precious, indeed see them as lives that it is worth to die for. See their lives as valuable. Like jesus. He saw our lives as more valuable then his! Can you imagine that? Why would he choose to die on the cross, except that He loved us so much, to Him, our lives were more valuable then His own.

But that is not to say that our lives are useless! No on the contrary. Our lives are precious and we need to live them out to the max! Jesus says, learn from Him for he is lowly and humble, but you know what, this same Jesus says, He is THE Way, THE Truth, THE Life. Not very humble eh.

The second part of humility, is knowing who you really are. Humility at its greatest, is both when we are fully aware of who God made us to be, the purpose He has for us, the direction in life, the calling in life, Who we are to God, Who we really are, and also the awareness that we must be willing to lay our lives down for our loved ones. No greater love do we show, when we lay our lives down for one another. When we esteem the other higher than ourselves, we do not mean to say we are unimportant. On the contrary, only one who is fully aware of him or her self can honestly lay his or her life down for another.

Humility is about knowing who we are. Humility is about valuing others more precious then ourselves. When we know God more, we will be more humble, both to God and in life.

Today, as i led bible study, it was a struggle, because i felt that people were a bit uninterested. It was hurting when people had conversations on paper. I realise how hurtful i am when i do that during sessions conducted by others. It really hurts when what you took time to prepare was simply seen as unimportant.

I had a spiritual attack before the lesson. Heard the devil say that i was useless, unimportant, unable to do anything, totally useless, lousy, weak, hopeless. I saw all my failings and mistakes. And almost cried. Compared to shaun's ability to read the word, i am no one. Compared to steph's ability to teach, i stand far away. Compared to rachel's strength in giving advice, i am lost. Compared to gilbert's guitar skills, i stand defeated. I felt lousy. I felt useless. I felt like rubbish. I was a screw up, a failure, a misfit, an actor in a world where christians are victorious. An outcast. One who is not even a christian at times, one who fails, flounders, flops.

But then the song, Hungry struck me.

Hungry i come to you, for i know you satisfy.
I am empty but i know your love does not run dry.

And that is the truth. I girded myself, pulled up by the grace of God, and cried out to God. There is no one else but Him. I am down but not out, because My God delivers, YES, HE DELIVERS.

Even though the sessions went badly, i believed, i did what God wanted. For that, i thank God. I come to see, that it is important that i know what God wanted, and because of my gift, i am not excused for not asking and not knowing. I hear God so clearly, disobedience becomes more of a serious thing for me simply because i know His voice accurately. A bit hard to disobey and still be able to get away from it.

For all that is worth, My God made me who I am to play the role He needs me to play.

Drafts and draftings

I just submitted my ISM's first draft. I hope it goes well.


The paper was a killer to write. Because i was taking someone's unpublished work and extending his very complicated model... But ll i know is, the main part is over. Now waiting for response then i cn edit...

I was driving back tonight from school, then decided to do a detour to Marina Bay. Lovely place to drive, lovely bends and all. When i change my car, or go and do something to the current car, i shall def be racing there.

Anyway, i did not speed.

As i drove there, it hit me really hard that good byes are really so hard to say. I am now 25. I am now 34 days from Graduation. Until that time comes, this is truly the last time i will be a student. I will not be welcome as a student anywhere in the world anymore. My friends that i meet in NUS, i wonder how many will i keep.

QUite frankly, i fear that the most. Wondering how many friends i will actually still keep in touch. There are so many people i just pray that i can stay in close contact with for a long time. But that is just a prayer. I dunno if it will occur.

Life is unexpected. A part of me is wondering how now. Where do i go from here? Where do i run from here? So many questions questing across my head. My path before me i know not. It is scary. I think the biggest one is still the relationship issue. It stil tugs at my heart. And surrendering is the hardest thing to do.

I dunno where i am going. I dun even know if i want to go anywhere. But i know, my God goes before me.