Life

So much has happened over the last few days. Stuff God spoke that i have to write down lest i forget.

Several days ago, God shared with me something. So many times i felt down for no reason, just hurting inside with no idea why. triggers of pain from within. i was reading this book, Beyond the Veil by Alice Smith. And God spoke. He told me that so many of my pains, come from within. Comes from God. Comes from a calling of God to pray. To intercede and to fall on my knees again. To go back into the secret place at that moment to cry out.

Then last night, God reminded me of the power in prayer. Of the effectiveness of prayer. Prayer is not medicine, not paracetomol we take upon having a headache for instant relief. Prayer is about living in Faith.

What is faith?
Hbr 11:1 - Now faith is the assurance of {things} hoped for, the conviction of things not seen.

Faith is exactly about living for things yet unseen, of things hoped for. What hope do we have? Hope of our salvation.
Rom 8:24 - For in hope we have been saved, but hope that is seen is not hope; for who hopes for what he {already} sees?

Prayer is about living in faith. A manifestation of living out our faith. By declaring and claiming in faith, we live in faith. And Faith is the assurance of things hoped for and not seen.

Pray. Intercece. Cry out to God. God wants a relationship with you. He desires a relationship with you. One of closeness with him. The shepherd stands at the door and knocks. Open.

My sheep

Jn 10: 27 My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me.

So many times oh God. I want to hear your voice speak to me through your word. I hunger for you word from the bible. Yet i know somehow i know not your word. I know not your truth. My temple is broken because i know not your word.

Only on your grace have i come thus far. Only by your grace have i managed to enter into your presence. Only by your grace am I in your mercies. Only by your grace can i even hear you. Lord would you teach me in your word. Would you show me your glory in your word, that i may know you more then just a spiritual life, but one grounded in your truth and your written word, one that you said that heaven and earth will pass away but you word will never pass.

I may not know the word well. I may not remember what verses are where. I may not be able to cite the bible. But knowing the word does not make you a christian. Knowing the bible does not make you a christian, nor a lover of God. A person who knows God, one who seeks God, one who hungers for God. He is a christian.

I know not your word. But i hunger for it.

Washing

I washed my precious today.

Was pretty relaxing. Just washing with water. Followed by soap and more water. Then the adding of a coat of sealant and then even more water. After that the drying. From the body to the windows. From the mirrors to the tyres. Brakes (i need bigger rims) were unreachable.

Anyway i am suprised to find that i was actually pretty relaxed washing my baby. Just like relaxing with the car, no sun. And just washing.

Oh and i went for a jog today cos no haze. YEY!!!!! For the first time in a long while, you can run without feeling like att the effort to exercise is merely exposing you to more toxins that will kill you.

So today has been a totally frutiful day (when it comes to life) and totally wasted day (when it comes to school work)

CHeers

Sharing

Last night during QT, God showed me a vision. He was walking with me thorugh a war torn area.

Dirt and rubble coated the floor, whilst dust lined the air. Death lay pungent in the atmosphere. Walls crumbled and incomplete.

Then Jesus told me. That was my temple. My temple, when God lived, was being attacked, seiged, and lay in ruins. My spiritual walk with God was in tatters. It was broken.

But how then can i still hear God? Then he showed me Israel. All the years, when Israel did not own Jerusalem, when the temple wsa in ruins and the people scattered, still God was with the people and still God kept His word. God ensured the presence of Jews on the promised land. Jsut like that. Israel alive but not living.

And that was like me. I still could hear God. I could still pray and all that, still do the same stuff, but inside i was broken and torn down. No more. Alive but not living. And everything made sense. I needed people. I needed contact to fill up the wounds inside. The spirit man inside who is wounded. Down but NOT OUT. And why i was so eagerly searching for human touch and human love. Cos i was broken inside and torn down. Torn apart.

I still am wounded and broken, still hurting and crying inside. But i also know that God said He wants to rebuild. Where i see death, He sees life. Where i see destruction, He sees construction. Where i see pains, He sees growth. Where i see failure, He sees hope. And i want that. I want the temple inside of me to be where my God, the King of Kings, Lord of all creation lives. Where i know He is with me all my days. My God never forsakes me. My God is for me. And that i declare, my God guards.

Please keep me in prayer, as i rebuild my temple inside of me. As i find jesus again in me.

QT

I just spent time with God. QT. On wheels.

I was driving back from NUS. And decided to drive the long way home. From NUS to Changi via ECP then Home.

I think in the journey, i was refreshed just by realising that God was enjoying just spending time with me. Just hanging out. Just driving down. And it occurred to me, sometimes, i am so excited by the destination, i forget the journey. I forget to smell the roses, forget to look at the cars. Forget to enjoy the scenery. Forget to wait. To slow down. Just rushing forward. Going faster, ovetaking. Rushing rushing.

Psa 119:35 Make me to go in the path of thy commandments; for therein do I delight.

The path of thy commandments, why just the path? Cos God wants us on this journey. ANd he wants to hang out with us on this journey. He wants to walk with us. The ending is fixed once the path is fixed.

1Cr 9:24 Know ye not that they which run in a race run all, but one receiveth the prize? So run, that ye may obtain.

RUn hard for that prize. But dun forget the roses at the sides.

Anyway i was reflecting with a friend last night. And i realise there is a wound in me that is still very sore, a nerve that is still exposed, making me more sensitive to what people say, mis understanding them even. I am still hurt by the excess of criticism on me. Still hurt by the past. I know this issue is on me, but i am asking for grace. I think all i want to do, is when i do wrong,when i say the wrong things, that people in knowing that, will not say anything. To cut me some slack.

I know when criticism is due, i know when someone is hurt, even what they say when wrong, dun correct them. Deal with the pain, not the symptoms. There is tough love, there is gentle love, there is accepting love. THink all i want now, is grace from people. Giving me something i do not deserve, a temporary break from correction.

Thanks for reading my blogs. I really appreciate the people who read this.
I pray that God blesses you, in his presence he comes on you. In his glory, he falls on you.

Cheers

Losing Sight

I lost sight of God today.

Yesterday, something happened. And i realised i have in so many times, been uable to explain why i did the things i did. Why i did the things i did. I really do not know why. But later on as i reflect, i fully understand the reasons why i did the things i did. And now there is this fear that all my reasons are justifications for what i did.

I pose a question to anyone who will answer; if you do something without knowing why, and when questioned later, after some thoughts are able to explain the reasons for the things you do, are you justifying your actions? Or are you supposed to know why you do what you do at the time of event?

Anyway, back to the post. Today, I just lost sight of Him. I hid from him. His voice i just did not hear. Could not hear. Possibly did not want to hear. I held grudges in my heart. I bore pain in me, anger, wounds i did not let out.

Tonight however, i entered into his presence again. Like a recalcitrant child, i was gently rebuked. And each time, i need him more then ever. There is so much i realise i need to be with God. Hearing His voice. Feeling His presence. Knowing his heart. Knowing God. Nothing beats that. Nothing.

God, i never i want to lose sight of you. Keep me at your side always.
Amen

Holiness

Holiness is not something we can achieve through works.

Hbr 11:4 By faith Abel offered unto God a more excellent sacrifice than Cain, by which he obtained witness that he was righteous, God testifying of his gifts: and by it he being dead yet speaketh.

This is something that really spoke to me. What can mad do to make him holy? That which is unholy, that which is spolit, that which is flawed, he can never earn holiness. Everything that he touches is unholy.

In the OT, we see the priest, he needs to sanctify with blood to make the place most holy. There is a sacrifice to be made, of a life, before the object can be made holy. The item, no matter how good can never be holy on itself.

Humans, no matter what we acheive, can never be holy. This is a harsh, even offending sentence. But remember, if this is truth, truth MUST offend. Truth is exclusive. It will offend, because Truth tells people that they are wrong. So many times, religions say that we must work at it, implicitly or explicitly telling people that good works are the entrance to heaven. Christians live this out implicitly, hiding thier true self and presenting a false front of works.

True christianity is a desperation. Of knoweldge that there is nothing we can do. NOTHING. Only when we can come humbly to that place of worship, and say, God i cannot. The bible says, time and again, he who exalts himself, will be humbled. Again, it says, in all your ways, Acknowledge God. I think it says so much more then just hey God. But to acknowledge, to know, God is to realise that nothing we can do is good. Not even good enough, but merely good. Acknowledging God is to come before him each day, in quiet desperation, every moment in broken humility. True Faith.

Heb 10:19 Having therefore, brethren, boldness to enter into the holiest by the blood of Jesus

To be able to come before him each moment, in humility, we enter into his holiest place, by the blood of Jesus who has made us holy. Dun stand outside and cry out, God we are unholy. Come in, be awed by God's GLORY Boldly enter his presence means to shake off all condemnation. Shake it off, enter into his presence, be humbled. Action.

You who have accepted his blood. You are Holy already. Coming into his throne room, is the action that exhibits this holiness. Faith is believing in God. Faith is believing in the POWER of the blood. That makes thee Holy. Actions are testimony of that faith.

Restedness is the MINISTRY of the WORD

You run with me. You walk with me. You work with me. Now rest with me.

This was my wake up call this morning. Then i prayed.

I grow weary. I am tired. Honestly, spiritually, physically, mentally. All tired. And i knew why. I have not been doing QT. I have not really spent serious quality time with God. I have not come into his presence.

Then i tried to do QT. Wanted to read the word. Which i did. I prayed and ask for a verse that would encourage me. That would really give me a word of encouragement. And i got several verses. Mat 16. Is 51. Reading those verses, nothing about resting. Nothing. And i thought, ok i heard wrongly.

Then as i read Is 51, it hit me. I was looking for restedness from God in the form of a physical uplifitng of my mentality. perhaps a tangible feeling of strength. More of a feeling thing. Essentially, i wanted to read what i wanted to read, or what i felt i needed to get. i wanted to hear what i wanted to hear.

When God wanted us to rest in his presence, it was literally like Mary and Martha, just to sit by his side and just dwell in his presence. It was not to be like battery, receive exactly 1200mAh for a few hours to run again. Or to top up with battery water.

But just by dwelling with him, just by reading his word, and understanding his word, that refreshes one. If we are searching to hear him, then anything the word says should refresh us, not just what we want to hear, but what we do not expect to hear.

God called me to come to him with no expectations, Rational or Adaptive. Come to him like in a classical model where we adjust fully to his signal.

Exd 33:14 And he said , My presence shall go [with thee], and I will give thee rest.

I AM

I somehow lost the firery passion.

Dun get me wrong, I love God. Period. No doubts there. Just that I do not have that lifely passion people exude. At least i think i do not. i don't know.

Where am i now? At a very strange cross roads. My path before i can boldly claim, God has been with me. I walked with God. I may not have been totally faithful, but i know, i have obeyed much.

Now, the paths ahead are arrayed in two ways. One tells me enough. I want to experience life. I want to live life. I want to do strange things, try stuff. Wakeboarding, go back to sailing. Run and not stop. Run.

Nothing wrong about that. life is meant for us to live to the max. To the christians who live in church, God called you to GO OUT. Life is for us to experience it. Go crazy, speed a bit, drive manically, race. Splurge. Lose what the world calls rationality. be irrational according to the world. Love God totally. (to be honest, there is no such thing as a rational christian. The only rational choice christians can make is to choose God. other actions that are rational are generally wrong actions, whether in deed or in thought).

The other path says choose God. Choose Me, says God. Choose Me. Love Me even when you feel down. When the darkness is around you, choose Me. When you seem wrong, go back to the secret place, and know that I AM for you. I the Lord your God AM for you. I AM searching for a man who is absolutely for Me. Who is on fire for Me not by attitude, but actions. I AM.

It hurts. i know i should depend on God. But honestly, i am drained. I have given so much up for ministering. My life i poured out to minister, and now I stand before you. I am empty. I am drained. On my own strength, there is nothing I can do.

I know i have gifts. To hear God speaking clearly. Gift of affirmation. Gift of prophecy (not the predicting type but for encouragement). But these do not make me. THESE DO NOT MAKE ME ANYTHING. My talents do NOT define me. My choices do. And i choose God. I choose my God because i dunno what else can i do.

But my God is I AM. My God is BIG. MY GOD IS ALL. He is for me. HE IS FOR ME. In joy, in routine, in life, in sorrow, in pain, in darkness. MY GOD IS GOD.

Pray with me. That i pray with Jesus. That i know my God. I know him, not as a character in the bible. But in my life. IN MY LIFE. GOD is there.

But when that is over, what do we do?

When worship meets reality, what do we do?

Worship is a time where the presence of God is so strong. When we feel His strength with us. When all we want to do is just cry holy. But when that is over, what do we do?

When we are happy and joyful, we thank God. When life seems to be manageable, we praise our Lord. When life's path seems to bring us delight, we praise Him. When our journey is filled with declarations of blessings, we worship God. But when that is over, what do we do?

When we are contented, we thank God. When our needs are met, to our satisfaction, we praise God. When our prayers are answered, we praise God. But when that is over, what do we do?

Whe we are upset over small things. When spiritually we are down, when we are hit, when we are struck down, when we are struck against, what do we do?

When the things go bad, when our prayers fall past us, when our hurts well up within, when fear pour down, when sorrow fills our cup, when the fountain of joy has become a reservoir of acid tears, what do we do?

When there is something naggin in your spirit, when you are not fully joyful, when there is something blocking our paths, when there is something that prevents us from entering the Holy of Holiest, what do we do?

When the matter comes to heart, what do we do? Do we choose to worship? Or do we choose to self satisfy. I choose that when i am up, when i am bold, when i am alive, when i am joyful, i will worship. I choose that when i am down, when i am hit, when i am submerged, when i am sinking, i will worship. I choose a life of worship of a God who is good. Not a God who is good to me. But a God who is good. I choose worship. I choose life. I choose God.

But when that is over, what do we do?