X roads

I think it finally sunk in at crossroads 2007.

Come april 28 (besides that issue) NUS will no longer be a home to me. Economics Honours room will cease to be a hngout room for me. I will no longer have the privilege of feeling at home at NUS anymore.

Come this year, the next stage and the longest stage of my life. The one portion that SIngapore has trained me for. The working life starts.

I think it is scary. Not the working part. But the losing of friendships. I was talking to Evangeline today, about losing friends. And suddenly became all sad and down. Realising that yeah, so many friends and good times will become little but memories.

There are some whom i will promise to keep as friends. Keep in touch, treasure their words, presence and laughter. Treasure their advice. Counsel. Friendship. Love. People like Rachel, Sida, Ivan, Frederick, Evangeline, Chris, Tab. Friends whom we grew up in NUS. People like Winnie, Weiying, Kumu, Shaun. People whom i grew to know so much better through serving with one another.

Friends are treasures. But the ones who stay with you, are like gems. Precious stones.

I think God wants me to deal with the larger issue at hand. Loneliness. That is this sense of longing for deep relationship with people. Real relationships. So many times, i feel that i spend too much of my time just talking to people to find out how i can pray for them, or whether God wants me to minster to them. But i guess things dun happen the way i want.

God wants to steady my relationship with Him. Wants me to be grounded in knowing Him. Something i always thought i knew, but i think God is preparing me for a relationship. Where i can honestly say, it is not two broken people coming together, but two people broken and made whole by God, ready to get to know each other deeper. I say this not just about a BGR (which those who know me would know my desire) and just wanna know him.

God has been asking me to be honest, more and more honest with Him. Fern told me that she admired me for being honest with God, even when it is rage. anger. Upset. All these i pour out back to God. i rant to God. and i think God wants me on this journey. To be frank and hoenst with him, open and ready. To talk to him. To be closer to him AGAIN. and you know what, GOD IS NOT BORED WITH ME~!!!!

The God who created me, the heavens and earth, the God who know me better than myself, that God of all things wants to Know me as Friend. wants to be close to me, wants me to trust him and is wants to earn my trust!!! How amazing is that!

Yeah so anyway that is what i been learning over the last few days. As the run up to grad occurs, i thank god for friends i have. I thank you friends who have stood by me. Who have loved me no matter what.

Thanks

Thanks to God for his rebuke.

I think i become like peter. Who obeyed Jesus and came out of the boat, only to see the waves and start to sink. Jesus wants me to look at him. Wants me to see him, not the problems.

The problems, circumstances, the issues, they are all there. God wants to change them, change me. But i gotta look at him first. I gotta look at him fully and be fully dependent on him.

I guess my point is, been walking alone with God so long it is lonely and scary. But i continue with His grace. Hopefully, i find people with me. Else, for this season, it's just me and him

To catch the lie in the Truth

Recently, God's been tearing away at something in me.

So much has been affecting me lately, my my lack of deep friendship. As in am torn between wondering why and trying to do something, i really felt useless and unworthy. Unwanted even.

But God spoke. He said, "If you were Unworthy, unloved, useless, would i call you? Woudl i call you friend? Would I even want to meet you? Would i even bother to create you?"

I felt all this because of the distance i have from friends, from a seriously lonely perspective, and from a person who's gift and passion is for friendship and relationship, this is a burden i cry out for relief from. I am a person who places relationship with God and with friends as the No. 1 priority. Perhaps equal to knowing the word. Knowing the word afterall, is but the start and not anyhere near the end.

i have a distance from friends. Been a pillar all my life. This stoic person whom people just come to when they need help. But God wants more. And he tears that which He does not like to rebuild.

I used to think of myself as a conduit. As a person who God uses to pour our his love to his people. From that, i because refreshed. After ministry, after any sharing, after talking to people, I am refreshed because of the Love of God which flowed through me.

But God wants me to be a cup. A cup which is refreshed by it's own meeting with God. Own encounters with God. That i may pour out love for people to drink from. It requires a deep well of love and knowing God, but this is God's call.

I know that means being ripped out from comfort zones, being pulled away from people and all that that i may find true rootedness in God. It is a tough war, long and mostly alone. Running with God. Waiting. Praying. Crying. What friends i have, they cheer and encourage me. But i have to make the next step. Make the next run. Make the next move.

I dunno why i blog. No one really reads anyway and the message is a bit messy. I guess i just do it to clarify what i write before i email people.

To be honest, I dun want this lesson. I dun want to learn who God is, i dun want to grow anymore. I feel that it is always not enough, that the level where i am at now, i am like wondering what is the point of growing so much in christ. The depth i am at, the understanding i have gleamed. All that for what purpose? Sometimes i ask God why me? Why me? Why must i be the one who seem to have to be constantly polished, why can't i have a easier life with You? Why is it when i cry out to you the desires of my heart are just not met? It's like when i call, You say a but more. God, i have no more to give. No more to stretch. No more to run. No more. God, no more.

But God, it has never been my strength, but your Grace that pulls me through. Depending on that Grace and meeting with you, is getting harder and harder God. But with faith, i take the next step. And the next. I fight i struggle, but i will follow. God, your strength i need.

I think the cry of my heart is this. Loneliness.

Counsellor

Results

Your answers suggest you are a Counsellor
The four aspects that make up this personality type are:

Planner Ideas Heart Introvert

Summary of Counsellors

Search for meaning in their life and develop powerful insights
Are dedicated to helping others reach their potential
Think of themselves as gentle, peaceable and cautious
Others may find it difficult to get to know them

More about Counsellors
Counsellors have a natural understanding of human relationships and the complexities of life, which they use to help others. They search for meaning in everything and develop complex insights.

Counsellors are least likely to describe themselves as atheists, according to a UK survey.

Counsellors feel most relaxed and creative when their surroundings are organised. They are deeply private people who only share their insights with trusted friends; however, they will defend their values if challenged.

In situations where they can't use their talents or are unappreciated, Counsellors may withdraw from the people around them or become resentful. Under extreme stress, Counsellors may feel overwhelmed and be driven to organise small parts of their lives such as their kitchen cabinets or their record collection.

Counsellors typically prefer a few close relationships to a wide circle of friends.

Counsellor Careers

Counsellors are often drawn to jobs where they can help people develop emotionally, intellectually or spiritually and where they can use their imagination.

I totally agree. including the organisation part. So interesting
(http://www.bbc.co.uk/science/humanbody/mind/surveys/whatamilike/index_5.shtml?personality_type=counsellor)

Of truth and reality

There is a storm in me,
Yet i know not what it is.

It tears up and down, causing hurt and pain,
Yet i know not what it is.

It creates harvoc and disaster
Yet i know not what it is.

All i know is this, God i run with you alone.

F

I hate it

I hate it when spiritually there is a division in me. On the one hand i feel God, i talk to God

on the other hand, no one seems to care. Not really. Not at all.

I know my friends care. I know they are real, but i am used. and i hate it. No one contacts me unless they want me to do something for them. Pray for them. Ask God for them. No one thinks of asking how am I. and i am sorry, i am not here anymore. no one cares that inside me, is a person who is hurting, who needs healing.

have you ever carried so many people's burden, healed so many hearts, your heart just breaks cos everytime you meet someone, you feel God heart for the person. Yet no one feels yours. even now, i know that even in this shit hole i am in, i am still the best person for this job. The only one who somehow can in the midst of hell, still take the time out to heal someone. And you know what, i am dying. Inside. I am holding up a wall no one can see. For the last half a year , that is how it is with me. Fighting this war in me, fighting to understand. Fighting for my next breath. Fighting a war i cannot win.

I am living a psuedo victorious life. I am victorious in christ, yet there is no one to celebrate with me. I am going from strength to strength all alone, no one runs with me. i wrestle, and no one sees.

is there anyone out there who can see what i see? The pains of people, the hurts of others, the wounds of history. So many times i cry out to God, I cannot love you people anymore, i cannot God. Not with your love. I cannot.

God, why me? Why me? WHY ME?

After all this, i am alone. There is no one else on this journey

Here I am

Falling on my knees in Worship
Giving all i am to seek Your Face
Lord all i am is yours

My whole life i place in Your Hands
God of Mercy humble i bow down
In Your Presence at Your Throne

i called You answered
And you came to my rescue
And i want to be where You are

My whole life i place in Your Hands
God of Mercy Humbled i bow down
In your presence at your throne

i called you answered
And you came to my rescue
And i want to be where you are

My life
Be lifted high
And our world
Be lifted high
And our love
Be lifted high(repeat)

This is a song by hillsongs united. It speaks something so simple, yet so profound.

My whole life i place in Your Hands
God of Mercy Humbled i bow down
In your presence at your throne

Is this the cry of your heart? Of my heart i ask, i seek. That God, i am humbled by your majesty. In your Presence, at your throne, where you called me, where you met me.

Lord Lord, where art thou, i cry. You answered, Here I am.

Falling on my knees in Worship
Giving all i am to seek Your Face
Lord all i am is yours

My whole life i place in Your Hands
God of Mercy humble i bow down
In Your Presence at Your Throne

i called You answered
And you came to my rescue
And i want to be where You are

My whole life i place in Your Hands
God of Mercy Humbled i bow down
In your presence at your throne

i called you answered
And you came to my rescue
And i want to be where you are

My life
Be lifted high
And our world
Be lifted high
And our love
Be lifted high(repeat)

This is a song by hillsongs united. It speaks something so simple, yet so profound.

My whole life i place in Your Hands
God of Mercy Humbled i bow down
In your presence at your throne

Is this the cry of your heart? Of my heart i ask, i seek. That God, i am humbled by your majesty. In your Presence, at your throne, where you called me, where you met me.

Lord Lord, where art thou, i cry. You answered, Here I am.

Testify

I testify of God's Faithfulness.

For He is always with me, and no matter what, when i take that leap of faith, i find my God waiting to lift me up to greater heights.

I testify of God's strength.

For when i am weak He is Strong, His Grace is sufficient for me.

I have just gone through a tough week. Physically, emotionally. Been going for prayer everyday this week, leading it. My time table starts at 7, when i seek God for what to pray that day. Sometimes, it is clear, other times, it is just a word.

The day goes on till midnight, everyday. Yet everyday is a walk with God. Through friends, through studies, through even driving, and discovering new things about Bart (a black, 1475 cc Honda City Vtec Manual,) new things about friends (e.g. Ben Fong Buying Car, Mervyn dyeing hair) and church (having a worship hall with lovely sound system). I think discovering is so cool.

It is tiring physically to be up so much, and about, but i thank GOd that the time spent is fruitful. I make friends, and realy treasure this freedom to just do stuff.

Emotionally, an issue is bugging my spirit, which gets me asking God everyday, Lord, you know all things, you know i love you. You know i need you. So, would you guide me.

Relationshipally, i really want to thank my econs friends who got me out of school two days in a row to go shopping. My friend who needed to go for the SIA water confidence test wanted to buy a pair of trunks. Think he was not too amused when we suggested New Urban Male's ultra little cloth trunks.

I wanna thank you for encouraging me through the your growth. You've become really sensitive to God's heart and can really hear Him. Thanks so much also for being a friend.

i wanna thank another friend, who's advice i really took under serious advisement. I treasure your honesty with me. Decisions made contrary to actions are not in spite of advice, but upon advice.

In Love

I just read this http://www.boundless.org/2005/articles/a0001306.cfm.

And it hit me. What being in love meant.

Being in love was this idea i had but could not really articulate. I only could contemplate it, and give vague answers about the idea of falling in love. I only knew it was different from loving someone. Being in love was one thing, loving someone another.

Then as i read the article, it just hit me. When you fall in love, the question you ask is not is she the one? But when you fall in love, the question should become, am i good enough for her.

I been asking myself, am i the type of guy, that if I were a father and my daughter brought someone like me home, would i approve? Essentially, placing myself as a dad and wondering if my life right now could classify me as possible bf/husband material.

I dunno man. I really dunno. I want to be ready, i think i am ready. All i need now is, well, God. (Dun we all).

Issues issues, all around. As they rise up, do we meet them?

Listening but not hearing

haiz. My friend Jon said it well. "We all want the answers to life's questions - maybe sometimes all we really need to know is that He holds them, and trust that He will reveal it when it is best for us yet, everything will be in accordance with scripture, so my best bet would be to go back to that. i suppose at times when we don't really know what God is saying, or we are in doubt, it is better to err on the side of caution "

Haiz. SOmetimes all we need is for us to trust God.

As for don't really know, i guess that is a struggle. To know what God is saying at any time is God's gift for me. Yet in this issue, and only this, i am so scared to make a mistake. I am already erring on side of caution.

Lord you know all things. Nothing can escape you.

Questions

Hmmm.

Let me ask a question.

How do you know what signs from God are meant to be read? Which is his voice?

For a guy blessed to hear God's heart, sometimes i realise there are issues that i cannot hear too well, or rahter i hear what i want to hear. And this issues tend to be the most important ones.

i still ponder, what actions in my life do i not obey God. Where in my life is my God not God. Where in my life do i still take charge. Where in my life am i still the boss? The driver?

Been so long since i blogged. So much has really happened that i cannot really see where i am now.

God has taught me so much more about his character. About his love, His grace, and His awesomeness. The fear of God has been a core fudemental part of Christianity. Yet do i fear God? Do i really Fear God?

Fearing God is not a bad thing. So many people think that Fear is a bad thing. But Fearing God comes from knowing God.

God is a being who in His word says that He knows the names of each and every star, his palms the width of the universe. Yet every hair on our head is numbered. He also says that no man may see His face, for the Lord your God is a Holy God, and live. God is a holy God. Yet this amazing God wants a relationship with us. He wants a relationship with us. But when we see him, in the light of who God really is and can do, and you come to a place where the only thing keeping you from Death is God's grace and mercy, do you not tremble and fear God?

I want that reverrance of God. Iw ant to know my God as a Holy, Just, God, one who is filled with Mercy and Grace, yet who is the only rightful Judge.

I also want answers from God to the issue at hand. What plans thee?

I AM FREE
Writer: Audrey Gordon ©2004, All Rights Reserved

1.Lord when I saw you standing there alone in Pilate’s judgment hall that day
I heard the words, all the slurs
How could I believe what they say?
Heard all the lies, all their tales
How could they even treat you that way?
But it was for me

CHORUS:
And I, I should have stood in the hall that day
But you took my place, paid the price for my sin and disgrace
You bore the pain, took the blame
I could hear when you call out my name
That I was free

2. And then I saw when they lead you away to Calvary
Saw when they gave you the cross to carry
Saw when they mocked and they jeered and they scourged thee
So I could be free

Chorus

3. And then I saw when they drove all the nails in your hands
Heard their remarks, their rebukes and all their accusations
Heard when they laughed, saw the blood and the reed that they placed in your hands
So I would be free

Chorus

4. Then I saw when the blood flowed down from your wounded side
Saw when you gasped and you held down your head and died
Then the graves opened and I hung my head I cried, I cried
Thank God, I am free

I heard this song from somewhere. Reading the lyrics, my spirit cries. My heart breaks as i realise what price freedom. The price of freedom was that someone had to die. And that person was God. God chose to die. THat we may be free.

I have been going through a lot of things. Too much to blog about. And God reminded me something. In every sacrifice there is a price, a death. A cost. God calls us to sacrifice things. But remember, with every sacrifice, death, there is something at the end of it. Life. For every death we put on the altar for christ, there is life. There is LIFE in abudance because there has been death.