Houston, we are prepared for takeoff

I think we are all set. Just having to tie up some loose ends in NUS right now, that is get my study plan confirmed and approved by the professor who unfortunately is not around at the moment. This is sickening. And i am well, not getting nervous, but certainly not very relaxed.

It is like taking an exam. A part of us feel ready, another half screams one more day! JUst give me one more day. I need to get ready. At the front of your mind, you are believing that you are ready. At the back, there is a nagging sensation that you are not fully prepared.

A part of me is excited about going, anotehr part is wondering whether the very first step on this journey was the right one. THere is no real gauge to claim if it was the right thing to do or not. The only way out now is to take the journey and travel.

Hence, let this journey be a time of rediscovery. Of who i am. Of where i am going. Of who God is. Where i can really go and worship in a church, a break from some responsibilities that i have been taking up. Really a time of rest. Of going deeper with the discipline that i have chosen, the dismal science of Economics.

Am i ready? Nope. But you can be good enough and go for it, or be perfect too late. So, I am as ready as can be. All my bags are packed (Figuratively speaking, there are still some minor details to be ironed out). THe ride is set. THe turbines are spinning (Again figuratively since i am taking a flight on sat). The visas are set (actually printed since setting suggest a mould).

Ladies and gents, until the fat lady sings.

CHAOS

I went out with rachel yesterday. FOr a jaunt to the MAngo Sale.

I think utter chaos is the best way to describe it. Mayhem. I have never seen so many excited women all rushing to try clothes. It was like a huge piles of clothes just hanging over the racks. On the tables. People scrambling for the stuff. Taking and checking. And buying.

Now i know how women can find things. If they can find so much things to buy in a chaotic situation, just think how much they can find in clean conditions.

Sigh. Now if there was a BMW car sale, and the keys were left in piles, that i can understand.

HA okie, just home from fetching my brother. I just learnt that one must always read the map properly. I mis read one small part of the map, and found myself going towards woodlands. I was supposed to be at Chua Cho Kang. Go figure.

I was browsing skeptic sannotated bible/, and it is interesting how they try to discredit the bible. Like putting up the most trival different use of words and proclaim that the bible was wrong. People really have too much time.

ANd that reminds me, i have to pack. SIgh, so little time, so much to do.

Seat Belt Sign is on

Ladies and gentleman, welcome abroad flight number NZ82 Singapore to Auckland.

In a four hours time, I will not be in Singapore. Will be in flight to New Zealand. I guess this whole journey will now truly begain. I feel that it will be a time of discovery, of rediscovery, of finding God among the small things. Knowing that he has a plan for all facets of my life. i have to learn to trust him as i take this walk.

Father, into thy hands i commit this journey. Thy will be done.

See you guys. CHeck back soon. Mail me if you want.

Disturbing peace

Celebrated Sida's birthday on friday (Happy 23rd birthday man). We went to Harry's for lots of Potters. Just had to do that. Ha no la, we just a small cocktail, well, i did, and two mocktails.

Then we took a cab back to my place so that i could drive rachie home and hence save on the taxi ride home from her place. The uncle was well, nice. Opinionated chap. Keep saying things like Uni grad very easy to get job, arts degree very easy to study. Stuff like that. Disclaimer: For those people who believe that an ARTS degree is easy to get, and that only Lawyers and Engineers and Medicine are very hard, please note that that concept belongs in the old days. I do not doubt the difficulty of Medicine, but i think compared to law and engine, there is really little difference in difficulty. Arts requre a lot more creativity and thinking to be able to score, and more importantly, be able to score well.

To top it off, i spotted a cross under his ERP machine. So I asked if he were a christian. To which he replied that no he was not. He proceeded to ask us why is it that if Sodom was destroyed how could it be that Moses (sic) was good. (he got his facts really wrong)

And that got me really bothered. I started to ask God, how how? Later that night, God told me something. It does not sound really good. He said that sacrfices had to be made. The people of Sodom was so evil and by not destroying, It would spread. God did not want to have to destroy the whole world. Not yet anyway.

Must pray for the guy. Feel strange about that, hardly know him. But i realise must must pray.

Going Solo

Well, that is it. Just sent my deposit for my hostel room. Not too sure which will i get. Hopefully it is a single room. Not that i mind a room mate, but i am pretty sure he will mind me.

Post office makes a lot of money out of me. Speedpost costs a frigging $24.65 to send to NEw zealand. And that is just for one small package. Argh, i wonder how much will sending my clothes back fron NZ cost. Actually, i think i shall pack clothes that are wearable but not very wanted. That way i can just wear and dump the clothes there. =p

My sports shoes are going soleless, no pun intended. The sole is coming off. So i shall just wear it there and not bring it back. Need to buy jeans though and levis does have a sale. And i only have three pairs of jeans.. Time for a new pair.

oh well, see you. To the land where the one ring rules it all.

Mon Vie

God's brand of holiness does not allow for flaws. It is a perfect piece of art. There is no small sin. All sin is a blemish on the carpet.

Journey's Mercy

Ok have finally confirmed my flight date, 2nd of july. As the day draws nearer, it feels surreal. There seems so much left to be done, so much more things to do, that i fear i might not be able to remember to do everything, from the minute to the difficult.

I realised that i stil cannot buy my draft to pay for my deposit for my room. That is cos i forgotten to whom should i make payment to. On top of that, i need my dad signature before i can send the acceptance offer. SIgh, another $27.50 just to send it by speed post. I used to wonder how did post office make moeny. Now i know.

Oh well, anyway, i was doing qt and I learnt that God does not hate us. He hates our sins, and all he wants to do is to turn us from the sins that we commit on an hourly basis. The most simple one we do is to simply forget about GOd. And in reality, that is the worse. Because the action of 'sin' is not the sin itself, but the idoltry part.

To clarify, the part we call sin, the expression of sin is really the expression of our desires. The actual part sin we have done so by giving God over to idoltry. Take for example, Gossiping. The act of gossip is an expression of sin yes, but the initial mistake we made was thinking bad of others so much so that we idolise and have the mistaken belief that our image of another person is the right one. SO when we repent about gossip, the actual part of repentance must include the thinking negative about another person. Of course if there is indeed a problem with the person, tell him in love.

The act of theft is a sin, but repenting is not about saying i am sorry about stealing, it is going deeper. The acknowledgement of an idol in your life, the item you stel. If so, then the proper act of repentace would require one to actual admit and eradicate that idol.

Doing good for the sake of doing good, or repenting for the sake of repenting is not worship. It is an act of defiance. God wants our worship to be full and wholehearted.

The Quiet End

A church mate, one whom i am not too close to, has went home to be with the lord.

Many people ask why. Why must it happen, why didn't God intervene. I think He did. I think God wanted Fei to go home. I think even now, there was a purpose. That God lets people die, so that the living will ask the right questions.

The problem today is that people spend too much time trying to disprove one another. Science wants to disprove God, Religions want to show why others are wrong. Perhaps God reminds us, that all things belong to him. All are in his hands. Time to ask the right question, perhaps, what happens when we die. Not to ask if christianity is incorrect. Ask what is the reason for life. The reason for death. The end of it all.

Fei's life was for God. He ran the race, as one of my younger friends put it. Fei lived for and died for Christ. He went home to be in the courts of God. He is not dead; he is at home.

My last memory is of him, on tuesday night. he had come for the JYC camp to just hear. I like to think he came also to spend one last night in church. TO be in the place that he loved. I remember that he looked weak, tired. I think the chemo was taking it's toil.

Truly, i think after a successful battle so far, no one expects the war to be lost. But even when it is lost, the living must go on. Time for the dead to bury the dead. If anything, GOd reminds us that life on earth is no more then a fleeting change. The life the momentary spark extinguishes as it appears. But for it existance, it illuminated something.

Sparks fly,
Sparks cease.
Dreams soar,
Reality sinks.
Hope floats.

A Stationary Race

Have you ever felt like you are running hard and long, but when you take bearings, you do not seem to have moved at all?


Right now, that is the exact emotion I am feeling. Doing a lot yet not moving at all. I am trying to balance so much and it is taxing. I have no idea how to settle my banking issues. I need to check about accomodation and it does not help that NZ is on a five day work week with a time that is four hours ahead. Worse, i need to confirm my flight by Tuesday and i still don't know when can i check in. I have yet to pack, so i do not know how much stuff i actually have and what i need to buy.

I do not think i am pulling my weight for FOC. I seem to have neglected that area of responsibility. I want to but cannot seem to balance my committments with time.

Thursday is Rachel's Alumni Band. While I am ok with going, i do wish that the school had given her more time instead of telling them that alumni need to sell at least two tickets. Two weeks is not a lot of time especially given that their practises have gone on for about six weeks now.

JYC is selling food on sunday and i still do not know what we are selling. Need to call them. And remind the members that JYC is on at 8. Hmm good point.

So much to do, so little time to perform. IF only each day had twenty five hours. But if wishes were riches. At any rate, a theory i once heard is that work will expend to fill the space and time given to it. I agree with that.

Ends and means

JYC camp ended yesterday. It was fantastic, like family. I really am going to miss them.

God asked me again, Am I the means to your ends or the ends to your means. The difference is this, means to my ends states that I am using God for my own glory and desires. i treat his grace lightly. Ends to your means implies a sacrifice. A sacrifice of my wants, my methods desires. But put God first, and more importantly, put God SERIOUS.

I think through it all, it has been very easy to act holy holy, but in reality, my life is like a garden that is very messy. Very very messy. I wish it were not so, but it is in actuality. Weeds overgrow the place and I need a gardener. And Jesus has offered to garden FREE, only thing is, he will cut and destroy that which is not right. SOmetimes that is the greatest fear any one of us have. We so desire to cling on to the things we have, even the sins and the ugly things we own, for the the fear of losing them over rides the fear of them posessing us.

Through the camp, God asked, how serious am i treating him. i think that there is a real need, urgent pressing need to stay very very close to God. Like he is serious about us and that his judgement is REAL. His judegment will come, and his glory will come. So many times we ask to see his glory for our joy, but in reality, his glory will strike fear for our GOD IS A HOLY GOD. ANd he will burn all that is unholy. How then can we say that his glory is just for joy.Joy yes, but like any bomb to end all wars, fear. The fear of the lord is a healthy fear, keeps us from treating him lightly.

Well, having some minor problems, ok serious propblems about accomodation in NZ. will tyr to sort it out soon. Sigh...

God's word is like medicine. Very very refreshing. Drink it daily, as often and as much as you like.

the long road

Preparing to fly is about as easy as finding a needle in a pile of needles and haystack. It is not that there is no information, it is just that there is too much of useless information.

It is sad that i am not flying with rachel.. Means i will be awya from her for six months. Ok actually less. July, aug, sep, oct, nov (12) then will be with her. So lonely, so lonely.... Oh of course miss my family. And yes yes, school friends. Of course church. =p

I went to several tour agencies, trying to buy a flight ticket. Managed to get one from Air New Zealand, for S$1339 (with tax). I will be flying to auckland first, and then to christchruch. THen i will be going up, at the end of the semester and go to Auckland again to meet up with rachie to tour. But it will be a while before we meet , sob sob.

Ok then now checking out banks. Horrors of horrors the banks need me to be a student for at least a year, before i qualify for their student account. Not good. Not good at all. their other accounts have transaction fees. Which is bad. Need to go to ANZ to check out stuff.

Well, preparing for camp too. SOmetimes i wonder if i stretch a bit too much. Planning for my own trip, doing VCF Orientation camp, doing Church camp. It does eat a lot into my precious time. I have to stop, after this last camp. then can concentrate on both my trip and my orientation, though fortunately, i have settled my task for the camp.

SOmetimes i see my dad as a control freak. He wants things his way. And it is just so difficult to tell him that he is wrong, because he is just so stubborn. Don;t get me wrong, i love my dad. But like any one, he is not perfect. And like i was just telling him about the bank, and he asks me to ask the bank on a hundred and one other issues. And not as if i am like so free or even understand what he wants. I mean, all i want is a account, not an investment holdings, not a savings account etc etc. I am not interested in investing now. And i won;t be able to get all the info he wants also..

Perhaps it is correct to say he has too much money for his own good. Until he worries about losing it. I mean, i am fine without all the cash. Just dun splurdge of ridiculous statues costing thousands of dollars. What is the point. Save money? I do, just not enough. I think he wants me to save enough for my future. Which is about as possible as not.

I dunno. what with the church camp, the FOC, the Trip to NZ, both of them calling me to talk and complain and whatever. SOmetiems stretching is good. But the only time we can say that is after the exercise. God puts us where he wants us to shine. never to suffer only. Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!

Ok thank you so much.