Contests

After almost a month of work, i have more or less completed my ISM. The abstract is below.

Abstract
Contests are commonly found today. This paper investigates effort levels of competitors of different abilities participating in a one-stage contest for several prizes of equal valuation under two situations. One format is the split contest, where the participants are split into groups and compete only within the group. The other form merges the split contests into one grand contest. We find that grand contests elicit more total effort, but lower expected effort. We also find that participants may not increase their efforts uniformly under certain conditions.


4429 words
A heck of a lot of equations.
A heck of a lot of work.
A final solution.
Tired...

When it hurts

Would you want to know the truth,
When the truth hurts?

Would you still want to speak the truth,
When the truth will hurt?

Argh

Everytime i blog some complain, God speaks.

Is 64:5. You meet him who rejoices and does righteousness. Who remembers You in Your ways.

Somehow, I read this verse, and i felt God ask me, am i rejoicing? I dunno.

Am i? I want to. I really really want to rejoice in God. I want to run so hard for God, i run out of breathe. I want to go all out for God.

Yet something holds me back. On the one hand, sin creeps in. On the other hand, uncertainty. Insecurity. The not 'Good enough' label.

But you know what, God never asked us to be good enough. He never called us to achieve big things for Him to love us. He never told us to be perfect. He did call us to work to perfection, but at the same time, His grace covers.

How many of us want to fall in love? Well, this is it. Falling in love, is to know the person so well, and being yourself. That is all. To know who the person is and realise that this is someone whom you can connect. I mean this both for falling in love with God and falling in love with a person.

In both cases, falling in love, means to know the person. 1 cor 13 is the famous chapter on LOVE, not on falling in love. I believe with all my heart, falling in love means to know the person.

Over the weekend was a horrid weekend. The truth requires a price, and i believe strongly at the end of the day, the price was paid. I also believe something. When the truth is released, many things happen whether you like it or not. One is the situation changes. Not that things happen, but the situation changes. The second is there is a price to be paid for the truth.

But through it all, i know one thing is real, honouring God. As long as we honoured God, then all is well.

Right now, God i just am asking you for a sign of the promise you made me. The covenant you made with me. God, would you just confirm it for me in any way.

Me

I wanted to put this on the left side, but being a computer klutz... you get the picture

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RIght now

I sometimes hate my life.

Right now, i am solving something that is meaningless to people, one where no one really bothers to ask how it is.

Right now i am trying to get economic intuition for something that is ridiculous.

Right now, i have people who need my counsel.

Right now, i feel that there is no one out there who really supports me in what i do.

Right now, i am alone.

Right now, all i have is God. I know i should say it is enough, but let me assure you, it is not. It is not.

Right now, i still can hear God, right now i am wondering why i can still hear him so clearly.

Right now i am wondering, this emotions i wrestle within, why did i make the covenant?

Right now, i should be focusing on God, but i find my thoughts wondering away.

Right now, i am thinking about my future, and thinking if i have a future.

Right now, i am asking God to give me a break, let me pass with just a pass, not ace the test he has for me, but just let me through. What more do you want from me?

Right now, i want to live life. I want to take bart out for a spin. Like really race up and down.

Right now, i want to feel loved.

Right now, i need to be human and break down.

Right now, i should be preparing to teach OIA (which apparently is IBS, but slightly different) tmr, when i have not even gone for one session of teaching.

Right now, i should be prepared for whatever my prof will say about my draft.

Destiny

I had a talk with my CG on monday, the few who turned up (and instead of bs we went for dinner).

Something came up. The issue of destiny. Or rather, purpose. I shared that sometimes, meeting needs is not the right thing. My example was that of two people, one who was about to receive christ and the other was a friend who was struggling.

For me, there is no contest. Unless Holy Spirit says otherwise, the default i go to is the friend who is struggling. There is no need to measure the two.

I guess for me, i learnt what my purpose is for this season. And that is to heal. My gifts from God were not meant for me to teach, not meant for me to guide, but to heal. Yes occasionally, they can be used when God says teach, but by and large, the main purpose of the gifts is to heal. The one purpose i know that God has for me, is to heal.

For me, i realised that that means, to some i have a purpose, to others i am just stubborn. But Jesus had a mission and a purpose. His disciples, whom He loved a lot, he left them just when they needed Him. He chose his purpose rather then meeting the needs of His disciples.

But i also see from Jesus's life, that there were times when He met needs. I think there is something special about that. There are some people i realise, who's gifts are rather geared towards meeting needs. That they can play several role when God calls them to that particular role. These friends i realise when God calls them, will be blessed with the specific gift necessary for that role. It is something that is special, because these people will then have a purpose which is to really meet whatever needs of the people who come their way. Maybe not all, but different needs of people can be met.

Ultimately, the truth is this, we have to know who we are, we have to know our purpose. Everyone in the world was made for a purpose. That is why believers and non believers all hunger for the same thing, that purpose. The rat race, the academic route, the records we break, the things we do, all that and more, we desire and hunger to find out our purpose. What are we here for? That is the big question.

Science hides behind the question, how did we come here? They will probably one day explain the how. But science can NEVER explain the why. Philosophy tries to explain the why. They are still trying. God's word has explained the why. To love the Lord your God with all your heart, mind strength soul. To love your neighbour as you love yourself.

You what i just realised? The most beautiful part of this verse, is that it has got NOTHING to do with what you achieve with your life. God did not say, work hard, nor did he say study hard, be the best, climb the top of the ladder, run the fastest race, be the most beautiful, pick up the most pretty girl. God simply says, LOVE ME WITH ALL THAT YOU ARE!. LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOUR THE WAY YOU LOVE YOURSELF.

That is our destiny, to love God. The expression of our destiny, is the manner in which we are trying. The purpose we all hunger for, that purpose was the expression of this ultimate destiny. If our purpose is to be a great politician, our dream is to drive the BMW M5, our passion is to help old ladies cross the roads, then those dreams (sans the bmw one) is an expression of our ultimate destiny.

Set the first role right. To love the LORD your GOD with ALL that you are. The purpose you have, God will show it to you.

Drafts and draftings

I just submitted my ISM's first draft. I hope it goes well.


The paper was a killer to write. Because i was taking someone's unpublished work and extending his very complicated model... But ll i know is, the main part is over. Now waiting for response then i cn edit...

I was driving back tonight from school, then decided to do a detour to Marina Bay. Lovely place to drive, lovely bends and all. When i change my car, or go and do something to the current car, i shall def be racing there.

Anyway, i did not speed.

As i drove there, it hit me really hard that good byes are really so hard to say. I am now 25. I am now 34 days from Graduation. Until that time comes, this is truly the last time i will be a student. I will not be welcome as a student anywhere in the world anymore. My friends that i meet in NUS, i wonder how many will i keep.

QUite frankly, i fear that the most. Wondering how many friends i will actually still keep in touch. There are so many people i just pray that i can stay in close contact with for a long time. But that is just a prayer. I dunno if it will occur.

Life is unexpected. A part of me is wondering how now. Where do i go from here? Where do i run from here? So many questions questing across my head. My path before me i know not. It is scary. I think the biggest one is still the relationship issue. It stil tugs at my heart. And surrendering is the hardest thing to do.

I dunno where i am going. I dun even know if i want to go anywhere. But i know, my God goes before me.

Dying

Biblically, death plays a major role.

In the old testament time, animals were mostly mentioned not as gifts but as sacrifices. For atonement of Sin, guilt. Put to death sin was a large part of the old testament teaching.

In the new testament, lesser sacrifice (cos the one and only sacrifice was done) were performed. But now, the sacrifices of God became the death of self, of pride. Indeed, Paul says He dies daily, 1cr 15:31. (And i doubt that means he resurrects daily too). Paul, i believe, was talking about dying to self, about desires. About laying them down for the Lord, just dying daily.

Yet we fear death, both the physical, and the laying down of rights, of expectations, of dying to self daily. This is what God wants us to do, yet we fear it more than anything else. We fear to die to ourselves. We fear to place things on the altar. We fear to leave sin alone, because it maybe where we get our satisfaction from. We fear to leave our future in the hands of God, we fear to die our desires, our desires to control. We fear to die. We fear to sacrifice fully unto God.

But you know what, when I read about the sacrifices of the animals, of the sacrifice of Jesus, of the sacrifices that God calls us to do, to pride, to sin, to all that is not for him, to all that is for him also, there is one common thread. More than death. And that is life.

In every sacrifice, there is life. Jesus's sacrifice brought life. The animals sacrifice brought life as well. Ultimately, wth every death, there is life. There is life worth living. There is life.

I want to say this, with every sacrifice, there is death yes. But we almost always focus on the death, and we forget, that the reason for the sacrifice, is so that life may take place. Is so that life may come out, and come out abundantly.

I want to sacrifice my life for God, to live every moment for him, to realy lay it down and bear his cross, in the hope and faith that He gives life. But even if he does not deliver me, even if he does not bless me in the fashion i want, God is still good.

Faith

I had interesting time with God.

Last night, after blogging and talking to a friend, i went to meet God. Did not want to, as i was tired and needed to sleep. But i thank God for talking.

The first thing He said was, if you have lost your faith, why do you still pray? If you have lost your faith, is this voice not just a voice?

My answer was silence. then God said something which struck me (is a bit personal so i shall just leave it out).

Anyway, God reminded me to surrender 'it' into his hands. Then He explained what surrender is.

Don't think of the if only, don't make decisions now. Pray about it. That's what surrender is. Not a total disregard of the issue, but the not thinking of the what if, if only extrapolations. The decisions wait till I say so. The prayer goes on.

It takes faith to surrender. Faith on things yet unseen, unknown, unheard of, yet faith in a God who is real and everlasting, who is faithful beyond all things. With that faith, we lay down our desires in the knowledge that God will satisfy us. It is a powerful act unto God. To die the desire.

I could go on on dying, some other time. But the key is, in surrendering, it takes faith. And the thing i most love about Daniel's friend, Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego. in daniel 3. This is an act of great faith.

Vs 17-18 reads:

"If it be so, our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the furnace of blazing fire; and He will deliver us out of your hand, O king. But even if He does not, let it be known to you, O king, that we are not going to serve your gods or worship the golden image that you have set up." (italics, bold added)

This is in the face of death, that even if my God does not deliver me, even if He choses not to save me, My God is STILL good, my God is STILL God.

I mean, can i honestly surrender the issue and say unto God, God, even if it does not happen according to my desires, the desires and dreams you know fully about, still i will say, My God is good. Still i will worship You oh God.

I don't know, but this is the cry of God's heart. On this journey of faith, this is the next step.

Resumes and life

I just went for my first job application test.
But this is not about that.

I was preparing my resume, the evidence of my life. The varying things i have done with the time i have spent in school. the activities and events i have helped to plan and to organise and etc.

And i was reflecting on my life. As i write out my resume, i am forced to reflect on what happened at that period of time in my life. I am forced to think back on my journey so far. On whether my life has made a difference.

Honestly, i don't know. Personally, i think i have not made much of a difference, but my friends have told me otherwise. That in some way i have impacted them. In some ways, i have changed their lives. I hope i did.

I don't know if the journey i have taken so far is with God for God. I don't know if what i am doing is for his glory. I don't even know if what i hear is from him. I don't even know if I hear God anymore. My faith is crumbling as i look at how little i have travelled. At what i have done.

Every moment i spend trying to be a christian is faking it. I don't know if i am in the light anymore. Nor if i am still just fighting a losing battle. Sin creeps and knocks at my door. Desire to avoid God comes so strongly.

I am pressing on because i know not what now. I am pressing on because i need to. i am pressing on because people need me to.

God can you send an angel. I just need to know, i am ok.

The victory i once had i lost. I life i once led i lost. The passions i once had i lost. Everything that i have is stripped away. Even my faith. Do i have faith to cling on to a hope i cannot see, to a God i cannot hear. To a truth i cannot understand? is this blind faith?

I want the old william back. The one who was alive. The one who lived. I lost him somewhere. Why am i always fighting? God what do you have for me?

Not Going Church

I did not go church today. Overslept. Purposely.

Been really tired this few days. Busy like anything, balancing a really full plate on my time. With ISM looming, ministries running and everything, i think i am carrying a very heavy plate and been doing it for a really long time.

So I gave myself the luxury of skipping church, and i think for one, it was the right thing to do.

Before you shoot me down, hear me out. I do not advocate skipping church. Nope. Skipping church because you are tired is not an excuse. Skipping church must never become the norm.

Today, I skipped to focus on God. I needed time to reflect and to think about who God is again. I needed time to think about something that bothered me a lot. Well a lot of things any way. At any rate, telling people they should not skip church must always have a caveat; a few people come to church just because they have to. Or worse, because they think it is the right thing to do. Either way, dun come. Let God convict you for the reason for church. When he does, you will make right decisions concerning church.

Anyway, this morning I woke and went to talk with God. And then God asked me a pertinent question. What is your faith built on?
I answered, on what I have done with Your strength.

With that answered, I got my answer. My faith was not founded on who God is. My faith is founded on what I have done. My faith is founded on the goodness, greatness and blessings of God, not on God Himself. My faith is founded on what I have gone through, and not on God Himself.

God called me again, and said, Will you found your faith on Who I Am?

This question is the age old question. I have not done any QT for the longest time, i have neglected God's word for a long time. I still hear Him, and that is His grace for me. Yet i reject His call to return.

A lot of things been going on my life over the last few weeks. Not emtionally, but mentally, physically. And just running through the motions until i run out of steam. Which is where i am now. Out of steam. Out of strength. Nearly out of Hope. But not out of God's reach.

I am tired, partly because God let me be tired to be stretched and to see where i fell. I dun claim to see an easy path. The path will just get harder, the trials ever harder. But the ending, ever sweeter.

Shhh. I know.

Last night i had a bad conversation with God.

I argued with him. Over a minor thing. I felt burdened by all the work i had to do, the different roles i had to play. I was tired.

But this morning, as i woke, i felt a need to repent, all God said was, shhh. I know.

Shhh. I know. Simple. More powerful then anything else in the world.

It breaks my heart. All i said last night, was that my work was more important to me then his, and i needed it done. But God said, shhh. I know.

This morning i did not feel able nor the right person to lead prayer. I did not feel that i could lead nor was i fit to lead. I am a sinner, a failure. I cannot.

Then God said " Child, the show must go on".

The show must go on no matter how i feel. I have to gird myself, bear the cross. I threw it down last night, i rejected his duty, i bore my own cross. And in all that, God's grace covered me and made me realise that i have to.

Once again, i throw down the my pursuits, and pursue the cross of God. Once again i come home to the father's house. Once again.

And through it all, God says "Shhh. i know."

My new best friend

My new Best Friend

Try it!!! it is fun!!!

Real but not defeated

I learnt a bad trait i had

When i am suffering, when i am battling it out, when i am struggling, people know i am struggling. People know i am fighting. Yet either i do not share, or i share inaccurately. And in so many times, people end up saying the wrong thing.

But the thing is this, there are times when i am struggling and i just want to tell the world, look at me, look at me, i am fighting, i am struggling, but i dun want to share.

And that is the whole thing with me. I want people to know that i am struggling. For what purpose, i dunno. But as i talk to a friend, i am impressed at how this person can actually be real and still not defeated. Exactly how i am NOT, ( i am real and defeated).

How can this be? Being real and defeated. But that is the heart attitude i have. Real and defeated. Yet my friend showed me, being real and not defeated. Admitting that it hurts, it troubles, but it does not rule.

That is praising God in the storm.

The reason for Grace

The reason for Grace is not to live a godly life. The reason for Grace, is because we can't.

Grace of God is most precious when we fall. When we sin, when we leave the father's house, when we run away from Christ, when literally, dirty money in the left hand, while the preacher is shaking our right hand.

When we are like naughty children, told to stay away from the cookie jar, not only do we eat the cookies, we break the jar, destroy our appetite, and deny that we did anything wrong.

When we hurt God by dishonouring friends, by disobeying parents, by doing what we want to do.

That is when the Grace of God works the most. The hand that God extends when we fall into the mud, the clothes he puts on us when we come back home.

I like the picture of the return of the prodigal son. (Luke 15:11-27) The rebellious, unfilial and by all accounts the lost son comes back. He comes back, poor, after spending a huge portion of his father's money, (remember he got his share of the inheritance). He comes back poor, dirty, hungry, smelly, literally untouchable. Literally, he was scum, like human waste. Most of us won't bother to even look at him.

But here, the father does not take heed at all that. He looks instead beyond all the outward appearance, all the outward dirt, looks past the hurts that the son has done to him, looks past the history, and sees his son. He runs out to the heap of dirt, and the father embraces him.

The act of embracing someone is a act of unbridled love. The act of embracing someone who is that filthy (and i am willing to say that the father who is wealthy is probably clean in every sense of the word) comes out and actually runs out and hugs his son. The father goes on to call for a ring, a robe, a sandal, orders a feast. All symbols of family. All symbols of an amazing love.

Now that is Grace. That is grace at its purest form, to look at someone who has sinned against you, who has probably fallen into bad times, bad company, into sin, and saying, it is ok, all is forgiven. That is what God does! He is waiting, yes waiting for us to come home. Waiting for us to return home and say that Father, i am sorry.

This story is told by Jesus when he is talking to the sinners and tax collectors. NLT actually says the sinners are notorious, and in those days, tax collectors were seen as filth. Lower then low. And around Jesus is the pharisees and the teachers of the law. And Jesus introduces this concept of grace.

So many times, we Christians use grace as a tool to walk a perfect life. It is not grace's purpose. Grace is to cover sin. Walking the perfect life is strengthened through faith in Christ Jesus. Grace comes in when that faith fails. Grace comes in to heal, to protect to repair. Not as a petrol to run hard, not as fuel to run, but as an quintessential touch that carries us forward when we fall.

Bible tells us, share your sins with one another, that that which is in the dark will not grow. Bible tells us, prayer of a righteous man is effective (Jam 5:16) and accomplish much.

How many of us can really share, without fear of judgment? Those of us who put on the mask of perfection, tear it off. Those of us who share successes, look deeper. And come to terms with who you are. Those of us who share struggles, do you see the grace of God? Those of us whom people share with you, do you show them God's grace?

Dependence on God

Christians do not become more independent nor more self sufficient

Christians lose that right to be independent of God. They become more dependent and less self sufficient, looking to God on all things. Whilst they lose sight of the world, God becomes more and more what they need.

The world today calls people to stand on their own two feet, to do what they can, to press on to excel and do better and to show the rest of the world that they, Mr XYZ has climbed the top and reached his limits and wants more.

God works the other way. He is calling a people who will say, I am noone except what God has made me to be, I am no one except what God has strengthened me to be. I am no one. Except by Christ.

The truth is, God wants us to be fully dependent on him, to lose all dependence on showing the world our independence, on our successes, on our abilities, talents, skills, experience, but to throw them all away, count them as losses compared to the surpassing goodness of KNOWING, yes just KNOWING God.

And i think that is the path i am now on. Over the last few days, been really dragged to being able to say, without you God, i am nothing. Even more, to say that all that is within me, i fall down, i lay it all down, at the cross. And say God, take me.

This period of waiting is starting to be the most intensive building period i have gotten. It is like God is just polishing me, testing the parts he has build over the years in my christian walk. He is bringing me back to challenges i thought i have conquered, only to realise that i still have battles to fight. In areas of loneliness, Pride, selfishness, ungodliness, unholiness. To be in the world, yet not of the world is something that needs so much crafting.

Sometimes i wonder, have i really grown? Am i a christian who appears to be stuck, locked in by the actions i make. Stuck in a growth that never happens, stuck in the same stage i was when i first accepted christ. So many times i am fighting sin, fighting lack of spiritual discipline, temptations and so on, it is a war everday.. Every moment.

But here is that crux. The war, is not you against the events. Not you against loneliness, not you against sin, against temptations, not you against the world. But it is you, against yourself. To lay yourself down and say, God take over. God take over.

Dependence on God is far far more than just depending on God. But it implies absolute trust, absolute faith, absolutely. No other choice. It is a leap, literally off the cliff, and knowing the ONLY thing from certain death, is that rope around your leg. Faith is like that.

Build my faith in you God