God you are God. Teach me that you are my God

This evening, God said something. (been avoiding Him actually)

"You have not found me yet"

My heart sank.

I don't know what to do. So many times, i pray for people, that they may know God, that they may have God in their lives, that God becomes real, that God is real to them. So many times i tell people that God is a God who wants to know you personally.

But now, God tells me I have not found Him. That to me, God is still God, but not my God.

When God addressed Israel, it was The Lord, YOUR God. God made us individually.

Psa 139:13

For You formed my inward parts; You wove me in my mother's womb.

Yet i do not know God. I don;t know where to go from here.

Our God Reigns

Our God Reigns

40 million babies lost to Gods great orphanage,
It’s a modern day genocide and a modern day disgrace
If this is a human right then why aren’t we free?
The only freedom we have is in a man nailed to a tree.

100 million faces, staring at the sky,
Wondering if this HIV will ever pass us by.
The devil stole the rain and hope trickles down the plug,
But still my Chinese take away could pay for someone’s drugs.

Our God reigns, Our God reigns,
Forever your kingdom reigns.

The west has found a gun and it’s loaded with ‘unsure’
Nip and tuck if you have the bucks in a race to find a cure.
Psalm one hundred and thirty nine is the conscience to our selfish crime,
God didn’t screw up when he made you,
He’s a father who loves to parade you.

Yes He reigns, yes You reign, yes You reign,
For there is only one true God,
But we’ve lost the reins on this world,
Forgive us all, forgive us please,
As we fight for this broken world on our knees.

__
Delirious
The Mission Bell, 2005
http://www.christianitytoday.com/music/artists/delirious.html

To me, even when the world is breaking down, when the world is gone haywire.

Our God Reigns.

Books and Cooks

Right now i am in the sterile library. Mind you, it is cold. (and my friend, upon reading that line pips "Why never bring jacket?" Tsk Tsk, E-lang major, bad English.

Well, trying to study, but somehow, just don't feel like it. A part of me is just dead. Just dead to books, (when in fact we should be dead to sin. Does that mean books are sin?). Just feeling very dead.

No i am not a undead creature. Is just that somewhere inside me, my spirit is just dead. I do not feel like studying, neither do i feel like doing anything (though come this sat, i will really be free to do anything, including nothing). I just feel lousy.

Well, at any rate, i am now just clinging around. Trying to understand a negative semidefinite. Whatever that is.

To have Faith

To have faith when the sky is bleak
To have faith when the darkness creeps in
To have faith when the waves collapses over you
To have faith when the horrors of the night become reality
To have faith when the nightmare is truly lived in
To have faith when the nothing seems right
To have faith when you are totally helpless
To have faith even when it is stupid to

To have faith when you are lashed
To have faith when the whips with metal bits bites into your flesh and torn off.
To have faith when bleeding, a robe is put over your raw skin.
To have faith when the rough wood you carry is your death
To have faith when you can walk no more
To have faith when you reach your last position of life.
To have faith when you lie on the wood posts.
To have faith when the nails is slammed into your wrists
To have faith when the nail is smashed into your ankles
To have faith when you are put on display for the world to see

To have faith to say, "Father, Forgive them for they know not what they do"

To have faith, is to risk it all.

Wait

I ripped this off my friend's blog.
"Wait" by Russell Kelfer

Wait
by Russell Kelfer

Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried;
Quietly, patiently, lovingly, God replied.
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate . . .
And the Master so gently said, "Wait."

"Wait? you say wait?" my indignant reply.
"Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!
Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By faith I have asked, and I'm claiming your Word.

"My future and all to which I relate
Hangs in the balance, and you tell me to wait?
I'm needing a 'yes', a go-ahead sign,
Or even a 'no' to which I can resign.

"You promised, dear Lord, that if we believe,
We need but to ask, and we shall receive.
And Lord I've been asking, and this is my cry:
I'm weary of asking! I need a reply."

Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate,
As my Master replied again, "Wait." S
o I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut,
And grumbled to God, "So, I'm waiting for what?"

He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes met with mine . . .
and He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens and darken the sun.
I could raise the dead and cause mountains to run.

"I could give all you seek and pleased you would be.
You'd have what you want, but you wouldn't know Me.
You'd not know the depth of my love for each saint.
You'd not know the power that I give to the faint.

"You'd not learn to see through clouds of despair;
You'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there.
You'd not know the joy of resting in Me
When darkness and silence are all you can see.

"You'd never experience the fullness of love
When the peace of My spirit descends like a dove.
You would know that I give, and I save, for a start,
But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart.

"The glow of my comfort late into the night,
The faith that I give when you walk without sight.
The depth that's beyond getting just what you ask
From an infinite God who makes what you have last.

"You'd never know, should your pain quickly flee,
What it means that My grace is sufficient for thee.
Yes, your dearest dreams overnight would come true,
But, oh, the loss, if you missed what I'm doing in you.

"So, be silent, my child, and in time you will see
That the greatest of gifts is to truly know me.
And though oft My answers seem terribly late,
My most precious answer of all is still . . . Wait."

CATS

Met the most stupid cat in the world..

I parked my car at a HDB car park inorder to go to PS to get something. When i came back, a brown coloured cat was lying on the roof of my car.

I went to my car, opened the door, put my stuff in, and the stupid cat just looked at me. I wondered what to do, like if i drive off, would the creature stretch out his/her claws and scratch my car. Thankfully, the cat figured i was about to drive off, so it basically got off the car, i was watching it's every move. Poor bart...

Yup so there

Exhausted

I am tired.

Last night, after studying in school for hours, i decided to go home early, which i did. Subsequently i decided since it was early, 10pm, i went for jog. Quite happy with the progress there. Should be able to finish my 2.4 km in an acceptable time. And almost ready to take on the challenge of army half marathon.

Anyway, for some unexplainable reason, i failed to sleep soundly. Ended up waking at 4 am.. dunno why. Slept again at like 5 plus.

Got up at 7, came to school for tennis with matthew and evan. Decided that we should stage a play called "Le Miserable Player", or "Phantom of the courts". But seriously, since we been playing for quite regularly, we have improved. By and large, our balls land in our own court=p

Anyway i am now in school, trying to finish up forensics science. Super sleepy.. but must press on.

Today, i made a move. A step to let go, and just move. Just let go, kinda like letting go to have faith. Is a long story and i should be studying so i will just say that if you please, pray for me that i may have faith, and work on my distrust of God.

Pride and Prejudice

I just learnt my new season, journey of desire, is one which ties in with the issue God wants to lead me through.

The last season God called me to a place of brokeness. A place where i had to lay down my pride, where my pride was ripped out.

This new season seems to tie in wonderfully on the journey of desire (which is the cure) and the problem (disbelief).

I happened to mail a friend and God just led me to realize that the crux of the whole issue is that i still disbelief Him.

Not in the sense i doubt He lives, or i doubt He died and rose again, or that He is faithful, great, worthy etc etc.. But there are some elements of distrust. And i think God is telling me to trust him fully.

I have always taken leaps of faith when it comes to trusting God. So far, He's met me everytime. But now God is building my faith on another foundation. Desire.

The desire, the hunger for God, is a passion for God that will fuel your trust in God. When you love someone, you will naturally trust that person. When you desire and love God, you will naturally trust God.

The journey of desire, to counter the element of distrust.

Lame

I found a book called O-pun sesame. A lot of my friends are killing me because of it.

Yesterday at the exam tea, someone said we should serve cordial as the drink rahter than milo. I remarked that would be nice because we were very cordial.

Whilst preparing the milo, i din have a spoon to stir, so i took to shaking the thermos of milo. We served it as shaken, not stirred.

Then today, a friend's lapi had to revist the hospital cos she had some problems with the drivers. She also said her number 4 key was spoilt. Then i said, that why you should not 'fource' your keys.

Anyway, i have a problem with maths. My conversation with my friend went

Gillian: should have brought my books out to mug. They are in your car.
Me: Haha, then my car can mug. Then he will know that one wheel plus two wheels equals two wheels.
Silence.
Me(undertones): One plus two is. oh wait. three. Oops.

And a problem with english:
Me: Don't you know that curiosity catches the early... eh. eh eh.

or (while making milo)
Me: Don't you know that too many cooks spoil the milo, i mean, broth.

Sigh. My brain is not working.


And now, more puns:

A bachelor is a man with un-altar-able views.

while

Adversity is a bad town to live in

and

Advice is a cigarette or liquor commercial

Ok see you

Journey of desire

Yesterday, God said something. What is scary about desiring Me?

I was struck by the question. Desiring God is something so many of us say, and in our hearts want, but do we really desire God? So God called me to start a new journey, a journey of desire.

The funny thing was, yesterday during prayer, God showed me what desiring him meant. When we were asking GOd want burden he had for us, God kept quiet. I was praying, God would you tell me, would you show me, would you reveal to me your heart.

But God was silent. In the end, my prayer was, "God i cannot hear you".

Then after that, God said, now you know what desiring means. To hunger and thirst for something so badly, because you know what you now need. To need God because when he is silent, you cannot do without him. To hunger for God so much, because without Him, you are naught.

I need God. the journey of desire starts from a realisation of deeper need. The deepest need. For God.

Then today, God said, the journey of desire, is a journey of faith and knowledge. I have no idea what he means, but i know He will show it to me soon.

The journey of desire. Born out of need, grows out of faith, develops into love.

I pisteuo (believe). Help my apistia (unbelief).

Yancy says it best. Faith and doubt must coexist.

I really admire some of my friends who's life is so deep with faith in God. People from VCF, like Ming Hui, like Paul. People' who's faith in God is so strong. Guo Yi's who's knowledge of God's word is the foundation of his faith.

And when i dig deeper, my faith is built on shaky ground. I even wonder if i have built my house on sand, or worse on water. I wonder where do i stand will i even stand. I wonder where i will fall.

Last night i told a friend i am skipping church. Immediately, Holy spirit said, do you trust me. Thursday night, someone prophesied over me, telling me that God is calling me to make Him my rock. God is my rock. Something so easy to say, so hard to do. So hard to do.

God is asking me to trust Him. And it is so hard. Because I have seen too much to be unable to distrust God, yet seen too little to be able to say Amen. Is my faith real?


I think i want to ask. Is my faith unreal. Do i lack the faith that peope have. Do i even have faith. Would people even call me a christian? Would anyone actually say that i know God? Am i living a life as one approved by God? Am i choosing God over everything.

My faith sounds so ego centric, all I, I, I, but to be honest, that is what faith is. A response to God's call. Jesus told the woman,

"Your faith has made you whole"
and again
"Arise and go your way, Your faith has made you whole" (luke 8:48 and 17:19)

Faith is your response to God's call, God's purpose, God's plan, God's will, God's way. Faith is a response to who God is. Faith is an active belief.

Faith comes by hearing, and Hearing the word [Rhema] word of God. (Rom 10:17). I did get the rhema word, but that is the problem. I have seen too little to believe and too much not to believe.

God i believe. Help my unbelief

Wonder

Yesterday i went for lunch with a few of my econs classmates. Now because NUS lacks food places, we decided to drive out for lunch. On the way back to my car, the two girls in our party were walking infront of us guys. They stopped at a black car and waited there. It confused me because the car they stopped at was :

BMW 5 Series

whilst my car is

Honda City

We had a good laugh because they really almost opened the door of the car. Not that i would mind, considering mine is 58 k whilst a BMW costs 200k. Bit more ex. Though it is the same thing, four door, four wheels, one steering wheel, one engine.

Anyway yeah exams are coming. Rushing for work, yet no mood to study. Just wanna slack. Had the strangest dream last night. Woke up feeling sad. Empty. Drained. Realsing that God is asking me to really put him at the centre of my life, but it is hard. Cos there is just so much fear in me that people dun realise. The fear of not being able to find a job, find a life, a career, a family. I put up a face to be strong, but inside i am wondering how shaky my faith is.

I believe God is drawing me to a place where my faith will be shaken. A place where really i have nothing but God's voice to go on.

It is scary, but yeah it is a choice. A leap of faith. Wondering how.

Illusion of Reality

Well i am back from phantom.

It is a great show, great costumes, great music, fantastic props. Only thing, the voices lack spirit. Except for the phantom, i felt a bit let down by the singing. other than that, it was good.

Will blog more tmr.

time to snooze..

Updates

Well monday is the last CG for me.

Bit sad actually. I will really miss all my cgms.

Shaun, Rixin, Dean, Hui Min, Steph, Doris, Rachel, En Lin, Ivan, Evan, Pearlyn, Tash. Really will miss the union we had, the friendship, the regular meeting up. A part of me knows that well, NUS is over. And like i said, i think i am happy that i gave it my best shot. But there is a huge tinge of sorrow as i prepare to leave.

It comes with every batch. Some of my friends are so happy to leave NUS. They felt that it was a waste of time, it is like overrated. For me, i think i am keen to leave because it is time to leave. I enjoyed my NUS life, but now is the time for me to enter into the next stage of life. Work.

Reflections on this period is hard. Will do it another time. Want to let it all sink in.

Right now, all i want to say is, I will miss NUS. Of all the different stages in my life, Pri, Sec, JC, Army, NUS, i enjoyed NUS the most. If i could, i would repeat this phase of life again, to undo the mistakes, and to relive the good points. But all i have and am grateful for are friends and memories.

Teleo

It is accomplished.

I just submitted my ism.

In a way, it is sad to see it go, but it is a blessing. As i walked out of my professor's office and down the quiet economics department, a part of me hurt.

It is finished. I am done with NUS.

But the feeling of sadness is there. But as i walked, i asked myself, am i glad? And you know what, i realised something.

Everything ends. Everything runs its course. Change happens. But to be satisified, i have to ask myself. Did what i do during this phase, was it my best? Did i accomplish it? Did i finished the race well?

Ultimately, in life, at every stage, we need to ask ourselves. Did we run the race hard enough, did we finish the race well. Did we do what we set out to do. Did we learn to love God more. Did we learn to know God more.

Dun live a life of regret. Live a life worth living.

Tetelestai. - It is finished.
Significance:
Jesus' last cry from the cross, TETELESTAI ("It is finished!")
"It [the atonement] has been accomplished, completely,
once and for all time."

Jesus, after choosing to die for us, says, it is Finished. I have done what i set out to do.

Amen.

Humility

What is humility?

I realised what humility was. It is not limited to just thinking others as better as yourself. I think that Phil 2:3 is an interesting verse. NASB Translate it as :

Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves;

The word BUT there is important. It signifies instead of those things, do the opposite. The opposite of humility, is selfishness or empty conceit.

That is the truth of humility. Humility is about placing other people above yourself, that is see them as more important then yourself. See their lives as precious, indeed see them as lives that it is worth to die for. See their lives as valuable. Like jesus. He saw our lives as more valuable then his! Can you imagine that? Why would he choose to die on the cross, except that He loved us so much, to Him, our lives were more valuable then His own.

But that is not to say that our lives are useless! No on the contrary. Our lives are precious and we need to live them out to the max! Jesus says, learn from Him for he is lowly and humble, but you know what, this same Jesus says, He is THE Way, THE Truth, THE Life. Not very humble eh.

The second part of humility, is knowing who you really are. Humility at its greatest, is both when we are fully aware of who God made us to be, the purpose He has for us, the direction in life, the calling in life, Who we are to God, Who we really are, and also the awareness that we must be willing to lay our lives down for our loved ones. No greater love do we show, when we lay our lives down for one another. When we esteem the other higher than ourselves, we do not mean to say we are unimportant. On the contrary, only one who is fully aware of him or her self can honestly lay his or her life down for another.

Humility is about knowing who we are. Humility is about valuing others more precious then ourselves. When we know God more, we will be more humble, both to God and in life.

Today, as i led bible study, it was a struggle, because i felt that people were a bit uninterested. It was hurting when people had conversations on paper. I realise how hurtful i am when i do that during sessions conducted by others. It really hurts when what you took time to prepare was simply seen as unimportant.

I had a spiritual attack before the lesson. Heard the devil say that i was useless, unimportant, unable to do anything, totally useless, lousy, weak, hopeless. I saw all my failings and mistakes. And almost cried. Compared to shaun's ability to read the word, i am no one. Compared to steph's ability to teach, i stand far away. Compared to rachel's strength in giving advice, i am lost. Compared to gilbert's guitar skills, i stand defeated. I felt lousy. I felt useless. I felt like rubbish. I was a screw up, a failure, a misfit, an actor in a world where christians are victorious. An outcast. One who is not even a christian at times, one who fails, flounders, flops.

But then the song, Hungry struck me.

Hungry i come to you, for i know you satisfy.
I am empty but i know your love does not run dry.

And that is the truth. I girded myself, pulled up by the grace of God, and cried out to God. There is no one else but Him. I am down but not out, because My God delivers, YES, HE DELIVERS.

Even though the sessions went badly, i believed, i did what God wanted. For that, i thank God. I come to see, that it is important that i know what God wanted, and because of my gift, i am not excused for not asking and not knowing. I hear God so clearly, disobedience becomes more of a serious thing for me simply because i know His voice accurately. A bit hard to disobey and still be able to get away from it.

For all that is worth, My God made me who I am to play the role He needs me to play.